tHE lIFE oF a sELF-cONFESSED nUTCASE...

2006-07-07T19:25:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i came online today with the intention of changing my blog from blogspot to livejournal. getting kinda bored with blogspot. but then, i'm still in love with my current layout and i'm just too lazy/busy to go about and do up a whole new blog. besides, i'm a sentimental freak. i can't just throw something away, expecially since i've been blogging here since sec 4.

huh...since sec 4 and i only have this many entries...guess that goes to show that i'm an erratic blogger. hehhe...just like the real me.

so anyway, i have a new obsession now!

yep yep, veronica mars, welcome to nadz's life!

i've been hearing about it for some time now, especially around the fanfiction community, but didn't really get a chance to know what it was about until channel 5 (i'm gonna save my ranting about them for some other day when i'm really really mad and not so hungry)started showing them after joan of arcadia. i watched it and by the second episode, i'm already a WeeVer.

i love that about new shows, you know. you are given the oppurtunity to browse through the characters and decide who you want to ship. and when you find that perfect ship, it just hits you and it feels so right. sounds like falling in love, doesn't it? and in a way, it is about falling in love, cos you invest so much into these two characters that you start to own them in the way that only a fangirl can.

i've been watching CSI for ages now, and i only found my ship this year. (i'm a proud snickers) canon ships are usually the best, cos you get to actually see your ship in the show, but sometimes, it's the uncanon ships that appeal to you. like Weever. so totally uncanon. haiz...i can't help it if i have a soft spot for bad boys with bikes. *winks* hehhee....

so anyway, my pizza's done, if a bit burnt. and now i've gotta go to eat.

'ta!

Annoy tiny blonde one. Annoy like the wind! - Logan Echolls

2006-05-29T11:37:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i am so going to die and rot in the hell that has been specifically designed for errant teenagers who slack and pon lessons when they really know better than to do that. and the master devil (either jeeva, quek, or victor; i haven't quite decided yet) will point and laugh at me for all eternity. i probably wont be alone, but surrounded by millions other like me, who decided to enjoy their first few days of holidays instead of mugging for that dreaded upcoming exams. as punishment for my sin, i would be made to re-sit for the 'A's again and again and again, for what will probably be the next million years or so.

there's no rest, no break. no reading of fanficton. no watching of csi. no listening to the radio. no nothing. just eternal suffering for having committed such a horrible sin.

and, the worst thing is, i've only got myself to blame for it is i who has condemned myself to this damnation by squandering precious hours that could have been productively spent (by mugging econs, as i had planned).

oh well. see you in hell.

2006-05-07T16:24:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

ahhh!!! it's taking a bloody long time for my comp to load anything up! and it's totally pissing me off!

i'm mad.

i'm not gonna blog cos i'm mad.

blah!

by the way, peng kee won. so yay for him.

2006-05-06T19:11:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

yes, i'm still alive, in case you're wondering. still hanging in there and barely surviving. things have been ... pretty okay. i'm not quite sure how else to explain it. i mean, it's always the usual things hapenning, isn't it? school, council, home and whatever social life that i have. there. i've just summed up my life in the last 3 months that i have been MIA.

we've been doing religion for GP, and lately i've been reading a lot of books on honour killing and stuff like that in the Middle East. sometimes i feel like there are two totally different versions of Islam in the world, like the Islam that is practiced in my region is completely different from the Islam that is practiced in the Middle East. they seem so crazy over there, so religious, but yet, not religious at all.

it's kind of hard to explain, and this may take some time.

this book that i'm reading, Forbidden Love, about a Muslim girl in Jordan falling in love with a Christian man and written by the girl's best friend, who is also Christian, has just totally made me so uncomfortable that i had to put it down and stop reading it for a while. the author has to explain why such a love is forbidden, and to do so, she had to explain the Islamic laws that dictate the lives of people living in the Middle East. i understand why she has to do so, and i do feel like she's trying her best to be as objective and neutral as possible, but there is this tiny little piece of my heart that can help but say that she is bias. as a muslim reading the book, i can tell the facts apart from the fiction, but then, what about those who are not so familiar with my religion? what kind of picture or image of Islam are they going to get from her book?

the author writes: ...Islam's founder (Mohammed) was married to an even younger child, six-year-old Aisha, and consummated the marriage sexually when she was nine. Aisha was only one of Mohhamed's many child brides.... i felt personally affronted when i read this, my whole physical being was screaming in protest. i don't know about you, but it sounded as if she was saying that he was a paedophile. i'm not going to talk for anyone else but myself, and for me, that one thought alone, goes against everything that i have ever been taught, told and believed in. my prophet is a kind, gentle and pure-hearted person, and the thought that there are people somewhere out there in the world who thought him a paedophile scares me. it's just wrong.

there are so many more parts of the book that has made me frown and pause. The Muslim in me feels uncomfortable and wants to stop reading the book altogther, but the rational Singaporean in me is telling me to just focus on the storyline, and not so much on the religious bits. i know that the storyline is a good one, that the book is worth reading, and that is what is getting me past these odd parts. i think i can safely say now that i understand how Christians feel when they read The Da Vinci Code.

and you know what totally bugs me? when people think that in Islam, men are regarded as God and women are worthless. maybe that is what is practiced and taught in some other part of the world, but not in the Islam that i know. i am taught that heaven lies at the bottom of my mother's foot, that God listens to the prayers of mothers and grants them, that a mother's forgiveness is worth more than anything else in the world. the prophet was once asked, "Who is the most important person?" and he replied, "The mother." He was asked again, and again he said "The mother." he said 3 times that mothers are the most important people in the world, and it was only after asked a fourth time did he say "The father.". So, i don't know about the other people out there, but i don't think that my sex is regarded as worthless in the eyes of Islam.

i'm not a very religious person. i wish i was, but at this point, i'm not there yet. there are still so many things that i need to find out the hows and whys to before i can proclaim to be. i don't believe in following my religion blindly, for that would be blind faith and what's the point in that? it is so easy to destroy blind faith cos there is no understanding behind it. i need to know and to undertand, and it would only be after undertanding that i can have full faith. i don't want to know my religion only on a superficial level, i want to go in deeper. people may feel that it is not my position to question some of the things in Islam, but i believe that God gave us brains so that we can think. so, i think. and i question.

my mom worries for me cos she's afraid that i might step out of my boundaries in my questioning, but i know my limits. for all that i question, i am still a Muslim. i believe that there is one God, and i believe in the Prophet Mohammad. My foundation is there (thanks to my ten years in madrasahs), all that is left is for me to find out more. i hope that she understands that.

a couple of random things:

i totally, totally, abosolutely refuse to believe in Darwin's Evolution Theory. i refuse to believe that i come from monkeys or apes or whatever. that's just odd. i would rather believe in Adam and Eve than that apes were my ancestors. and also, the whole big bang thing? i mean, seriously, dude. not just the whole world, but the whole universe having once been just a tiny little ball? can you sense my incredulousness? if really, all that had been squeezed into an itsy-bitsy space, it's no wonder then that everything exploded. haiz...

something else that i've just recently noticed is that most of my friends are either Christians/Catholics or atheists/agnostics. i mean, disregarding the few malay friends i have in school, the rest of my friends do tend to fall in these two categories, not all but most. i don't know wether it has always been this way and i've just taken note of it, or that it's just exceptional to the company i keep. i'm really quite surprised of the number of atheists/agnostics that i know. very interesting...

i know that those two stuff are rather random, but they've been in my mind for some time and i just wanted to get them out. now that they're out, they wont disturb me any longer. hehhe...

...

i do believe that i have exhausted myself on this topic. wooo! this is what GP, too much thinking and not enough blogging does to you - super long entries. but i'm done now. and i promise that i'll talk about council some other day, kay? maybe tmr, when i'm sick of mugging for econs.

till then, 'night! :)

2006-01-07T17:50:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i'm back reporting after a long, tiring, eventful and fulfilling week. it's amazing how 4 days alone can hold so much emotions for me.

i feel like i should do a wrap-up of everything. of working for 2 months on a single project and then going through the days and the events looking towards the end. like mr toh said, 'begin with an end in mind' and literally for this project, i began it with the end it sight.

sometimes the end seemed so far away, almost unreachable. and sometimes it loomed over us, like a monster just waiting to chew us up. okay, my imagery is all over the place. hehehe...

2 months work and now it's over. just like that, o1 is done and over with. i don't really know what to say. i don't really know what to feel. it's all still a bit surreal to me, you know? like, poof! i can't quite believe that it's over. heh, guess i'm feeling a bit lost without o1 to guide me anymore.

it's been a hell of a journey. ups and downs even before the first day of o1. we almost broke down. we got back together again. we bonded and we grew stronger. it's almost as if we benefitted as much as the j1s, if not more, from this orientation.

council grew stronger as a unit. we worked together. we laughed and we cried and we basically grew mad together. it was the only way that we knew to survive the madness of this project. and we didn't just bond as a council.

before this, we've been getting flak about not being visible enough to our peers, that they dont really know us. and it's true. we don't really know them, they don't really know us. i was apprehensive about meeting the pegasus ogls. apprehensive and a little bit terrified. the house meeting with the leaders and open house didn't exactly assure me about them.

we had expectations about each other, and we failed them.

but the ogl workshop made me feel a lot better. it was as if, i now knew them as people, as my year-mates and not just as 'pegasus house people'. some of them even became my friends over the course of orientation. there was suddenly a face behind the names. they weren't just names on a list, they were people whom i could talk to and even trust.

and i really love the pegasus ogls. seeing their enthusiasm over the 4 days really brought up the house spirit for pegasus. it made me love my house even more. we had ogls coming even though they were sick ,we had ogls not sleeping the whole night through cos they were thinking of a cheer, we had ogls stepping up when they were missing a member. everybody stepped up. and i couldn't have been more proud to say 'yeah, i'm from pegasus!'

hehhe...

i know that i've just been focusing more about the ogls and councillors, but then, i don't really know how the j1s feel. i can just hope that they've enjoyed o1.

like i said, i'll need more time before i can really express everything that i feel about the whole experience. it still feels a little incomplete cos the debriefing has yet to be done. i guess only after we've talked it all out that i can really sort out everything.

but for now, that will be all. goodbye!

pegasus ogls!

28th Student Council

2005-12-24T00:24:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

okay, not to over-react or anything, but SHIT!.

arh!!! that's the only thought that keeps running through my mind and seriously, its the only thing that can really convey the almost-full-blown panick that has set over me.

am i the only person here to have realised that it is now 24th December? which means that there is little over a week left to O1. i don't know if i'm supposed to feel excited or glad that it's finally reaching, but what i really feel is panick.

yep.

i don't think i can emphasize enough to you right now how much in deep shit i am.

where have my holidays gone? i'm not ready for orientation! can't we push it back like a couple more years? my o-pack's not here yet! and i'm freaking worried that it wont be here on time. my skit is in shambles. i feel like i have nothing to be proud of when it comes to that. i actually dread all my rehearsals. i refuse to think about all my costumes and props, which may be the reason as to why i am so panicked now.

shit shit shit shit

my homework is nowhere near the state of completion. econs project? math tutorials? erm...there only thing that i seem to have done is read King Lear. that's something, i guess. not much...but something.

oh god...

time is moving way too fast for me. it's either that or i have spent too much time indulging myself with fanfiction and movies. hmm...that might be it. let me see...sentosa on tuesday. followed by pride and prejudice. and then king kong on thursday.

huh...no wonder i'm broke.

so anyway...i think i'm done panicking now. i'll go to sleep with a resolve to better prioritise my time for the next few days only to wake up and forget all about it.

2005-12-17T15:29:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i love my mom. :)

i really really do. regardless of how i've felt these past few weeks. and regradless of the lack of time that we seem to have been spending together, i still love her lots and lots.

*grins*

in the short space of 4 hours and without even going out of yishun, my mom and i managaed to spend a grand total of $127 on ourselves. hahaha...it was just us pampering ourselves and buying things that we didn't need.

i got my hair cut and washed and treated. mmm...it was wonderful. my mpm bought a bag. we bought a few clothes. had lunch. sat down at starbucks for a cup of coffee that we didn't need and talked.

we planned how to spend our christmas holiday together. technically, are not celebrating christmas. we are just taking advantage of the holiday to go out, spend some more and eat a lot of food. hahah...

so now, i'm just chock full of endorphins. i'm feeling absolutely delighted. hahaha...mom's gone off to work and i will now start on my lit homework. ahhh! like totally ruining my good mood. but nevermind!

2005-12-10T11:38:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

whoever it was that said 'too much of a good thing is bad' was a wise person.

after egg retreat, everybody was so in love with each other. we couldn't get enough of each other's company. everything was hunky-dory. being an egg was suddenly so fun, and we didn't mind coming to school early for it. it was like, we were really one egg family. we had each other's support.

then somewhere along the way, we lost that enthusiasm. we lost the motivation to help each other, to look out for our fellow eggs. other things started to take priority over our egg family. we started to make excuses. we started to let our fellow eggs down. along the way, we each lost sight of that thing in us that reminded us why we were an egg in the first place.

and all that is left now is bitter disappointment.

disappointment in our egg family which seems to have broken up. disappointment in some eggs whom we had expected more from, but didn't deliver. disappointment in eggs whose behaviour is destroying us more than helping.

we have eggs breaking down left, right and centre. we have eggs going to the toilet to talk. we have eggs screaming for help, without it coming. we have eggs complaining. we have sad eggs, tired eggs, sick eggs. what we don't have are happy eggs.

it's been a mad, mad week. and the pressure is unimaginable. the fire is on, and the water is boiling. as eggs, will we be able to stick through it? will we crack under the heat? or will we endure it and come out hard-boiled?

i'm a sick, lost egg right now. and i need to re-think again why i was mad enough to join this egg family. in all the madness since retreat, all that happy times filled with laughter and jokes, then all the hours spent working towards PROJECT X, i think i lost myself. i've been too easily swayed. i forgot to stay firm.

so i'm going to take a break from doing egg work now. for the weekend, i'm going to try as hard as i can to forget about being an egg, and just focus on being me. i'm going to be stay-at-home girl. with the exception of going out with people who are not eggs. i'm going to read and eat and watch tv.

like i've said, it's been a mad, mad week. i'm going to rest and recuperate, so that by the time monday rolls along, i will be myself once again. no more crying, no more laughing like a mad person. no more chats in the toilet. just pure determination to get through this project and complete it as best as i can.

with or without the support of other eggs.

2005-12-04T12:13:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

my grandparents broke up.

which is really an odd thing to say, but it's true. my grandma is living alone at 'their' house while my granddad is staying over at my cousin's. it is really is weird when your grandparents break up and are not staying together.

i never really knew that old people could break up. but thank god, the word divorce is not in their dictionary. breaking up i can take, but having my grandparents divorced is just too much weirdness in the family.

i think that this like the 3rd of 4th time that they have broken up. it's almost a nomal recurring thing that i can only suppose happens with old age. i wonder...do all old couples go through this stage? people always seem to make fun of these old couples. you know like, 'oh. you guys sound exactly like an old married couple.'

and i guess it can be pretty humourous. until of course, you see it in your own family. then it stops being funny and makes a whole lot more sense. it is still rather amusing though.

but it's also sad, in a way.

they've been married for ages. and you just know that they'll be together all the way till the 'till death do us part'. it's like, in this old age, they should be enjoying life with their partner. enjoying each other's companies and all the children and grandchildren that they have. they have a partner for life. yet, they are separated.

my grandma looks sad nowadays. or at least, i think she looks sad. like she's so lonely and trying to make it seem like she enjoys her own company and not having another person in the house. like she can go out anytime she wants, eat whatever she wants, watch whatever she wants. it's like a newly-married couple all over again.

she has a pet fish now.

haiz...i hope it's just a passing phase. i don't want to see them both sad. i was just thinking of how happy my granddad looked on hari raya. he was grinning from ear to ear. and my grandma was forcing everyone else to eat. which is pretty much normal.

they don't have that much time left, so why don't they spend it together? instead of squandering at away on petty arguments and stupid fights. i don't want them to regret anything once the other is gone.

god, i hope that when i'm old and married, i don't become like that.

2005-12-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i'm floundering around in the darkness and there's no one here to save me. :( it's so dark and my light has been extinguished. wont somebody come and help me?

AHH!!!

i have to go to school early on Monday cos we have to meet 2 more people who had bidded for the messenger bag. it's like mandatory for me to meet them cos they offered it a lower cost than joseph. and if their material is good and i sorta approve, i have to take them.

but i don't want too! i was hoping that no one would bid and that we could just give to joseph, so that he can immediately start work. but noooooo....! i feel bad cos if we go for the other vendors, then we'll be working with 2 people now. not only will that cause a major headache for me, think of poor joseph!

i went with him cos i thought that he was best suited for the job. i want him to have the job! he's such a nice guy that i feel terrible about this. it's totally out of my control and yet, i feel so horrible.

i'm such a horrible, terrible person. i just suck at these things.

so, i'm just crossing my fingers and praying really really hard that what they offer is not what i want and that it is made off really crappy materials so that i can go back to joseph.

here's hoping.

ps: i'm loving my new skin. hehhe...

2005-12-02T14:09:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

yep. it's been almost a full month since i last updated. it's not that i haven't been online much, or that i have just been too busy, (which, i can honestly tell you that i am), but more like i lost interest there for a moment. and honestly, the 'moment' would have lasted a LOT longer had i not have so much to say that i want to remember.

so, we have just ended Farewell and already O1 is nearing full swing. the moment 5 December 2005 comes around, it will officially start taking over all our lives. it's like, there's no break, no rest period. No time for me to recharge my batteries before i go crazy all over again. blah...i feel like i'm some toy on the table that has string at the bottom that keeps getting pulled. and before i can even get the chance to finish the full song, the string has been pulled again.

stretched a little too thin, maybe?

but i don't mind. i mean, it's weird. a few months ago, i would have complained like hell if i had had to come to school everyday and only be able to go home at night. i remember giving huishan such a hard time for making me wait 5 hours. hahha...but now, it's almost like i'm eager for such things. i almost don't mind having to wake up at 7 plus in the morning to have to go school.

of course, the operative word here is 'almost. there is still a little itsy bitsy part of nadz that is still sane and wants to sleep in during her holidays. and mug. and go out with Faz and Iz. and read. and write. and basically let all my brain cells die.

but nope. that's not hapenning.

(i have no idea what i have just typed down. please blame that on the lack of working brain cells in my brain. *grins*)

anyway, farewell was a relative success from our side. as usual, there are things that we could have done better, but hey! we learn from our mistakes, right? i keep telling myself that cos otherwise, i would just keep thinking about that and it would lead to severe depression. just the thought of it makes me feel like picking up a shovel and diging my way to China. (of course, China isn't exactly that far away)

I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF!

wahhh!!! i had hoped that 4 years in ATC would have taught me enough about professionalism, but apperatly not. haiz...i just...i feel so stupid. blah!

okay enough. that will now become just another thing that i file into some secret corner of my memory with all the other extremely embarassing/stupid/idiotic/senseless things that nadz has had the misfortune of doing. that section is seriously becoming overcrowded. hehe...

i miss this. i miss just writing whatever random thought comes into my head and letting my fingers just fly across the keyboard. ('fly across the keyboard' hah! my fingers move so slowly that they are more likely to crawl than to fly!)

hmmm...i wanna post some pictures, but me being the airhead that i am sometimes, i still haven't quite figured out how. i feel dumb. -_-

Yo. - Chicken Little

2005-11-07T19:32:00.000+08:00

hey

sometimes i wonder if i ask for these kinda stuff. if there is just something about me that craves for misery. i know that i shouldn't and yet, through my better judgement, i do it anyway. and then i regret.

regret's not the worse part though. the worse is when i try to forget it, knowing that i would be happier if i do, but the words refuse to go away, they're imprinted into my memory and there is nothing i can do to take it away. it's as simple as pressing 'delete' or erasing it.

it's a whole lot more complicated than that.

but i can't blame anyone. cos i knew better, yet i did anyway. it's my fault and i have to deal with the concequences. what do they say?

curiosity killed the cat?

2005-10-23T20:24:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i thought that it would be nice if i kept a record of the books i've read. you know, so that there is a way for me to check up what i've read and the authors. it always ends up like i want to try and find this particular book that i enjoyed, but i can't remember anything about it, except that it was about werewolves. and that doesn't help me much does it? i mean, there are like thousands of books out there about werewolves.

and also, i'm doing this cos i like to do lists. hehehe... :)

****Treasure at the Heart of the Tanglewood by Meredith Ann Pierce

i like this one. though, i found it too short for my liking. she could have done more with the book, like what she did with the Darkangel Trilogy, which is still one of my ultimately favourite books.

*****The Devil's Footsteps by E.E.Richardson

this not usually the type of book that i would read, primarily because it's horror. but then, i saw the cover, fell in love with it and thought, why not? so i read it, and i'm glad i did. this book freaked me out so much that i was glad i read it during the fasting month when i knew that there wouldn't be any ghosts as they would all be locked up in hell. (hahaha....!) anyway, check this out, it's from the book:-

One in fire, two in blood,
Three in storm and four in flood.
Five in anger, six in hate,
Seven fear and evil eight.
Nine in sorrow, ten in pain,
Eleven death, twelve life again.
Thirteen steps to the Dark Man's door,
Won't be turning back no more.

***Witch Child by Celia Rees

i see this book every single time i visit the library. figured that it was about time i read it and get it behind me. it kinda confuses me, though. it's an okay enough book, but there doesn't seem to have any real plot. maybe that's the attraction. *shrugs* i'll check out the sequel anyway to just see what's up.

***Mates, Dates and Chocolate Cheats by Cathy Hopkins

Very average. nothing really new to separate it from any other young adult book.

*****Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tales of the Slayer Vol.I by Nancy Holder, Mel Odom, Yvonne Navarro, Christie Golden, Doranna Durgin and Greg Rucka

I LOVE THIS!!! but then i'm biased. i have been looking for this for years and it didn't let me down. anyone who likes Buffy should read this.

*****Protector of the Small by Tamora Pierce

i would give this a gazillion stars if i could and i still don't think that it will be enough. sadly, not enough people have read her books, which is just a shame. thsi is a quartet, and every single book is simply riveting. First Test, Page, Squire, Lady Knight

***The Number Devil by Hans Magnus Enzensberger

an enjoyable enough read if you're bored and have two hours to kill. read this in the freezing cold at borders. it's a book for nerds. and those who are nerdy enough to be interested in a book about maths. eeeek!

2005-10-20T16:39:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i got lost at orchard today. i know how stupid that sounds, seeing as how it's not exactly a gigantic place. it must have been an extremely long time since the last time i went there. and come to think of it, when was the last time i visited town?

huh...

i have a short memory.

but to my defense, i was taking the bus, not the train. and it wasn't in an area that i knew particularly well. i mean, how was i supposed to know that it was a one-way street? i just naturally assumed that it went two ways and since i came that way by 105, i would just take the opposite way back.

apparently not.

where does 105 go to? since it was a one-way street, where does the bus turn and come back? maybe next time i have to wait a monstrous 5 hours for a meeting, i'll take that bus and just see where it goes too. i did that with 265 once. it's kinda interesting, you know?

do get the faintest idea that i am an incredible bored girl now? and that it doesn't exactly take a bleeding circus to occupy me for hours at a time? actually, just a good book, or the computer will be enough. or, of course, you could hand me a pillow and i'll promtly fall asleep for the next 2 hours.

right. i'm done here.

2005-09-27T15:57:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

today, i'm going to let you know some things about nadz that you may not have ever known before. or, you may have known about it, but never did realise how big a part it played in her life. and, i'm going to do it in third person, cos i hate typing 'i's. it just makes me feel so self-centered. like somebody said, 'i got so sick of myself'.

so here goes.

first of all, you may have noticed that most of the time, nadz is not complete there. i can't tell you exactly where she goes at those times, cos i dont think she herself knows. whenever she starts staring off nothing, or gets incredibly moody, then you know that she's gone off somewhere.

of course there are times when she is aware of where she drifts off to. but i don't think that she'll be telling you about those times anytime soon. they tend to be very embarassing.

next, nadz is more immersed in a world that doesn't exist than she is with the world that she is in. and i'm not exaggerating here. she spends more than 10 hours a week on her computer, not surfing or chatting or interacting in any way with a real human being, but rather filling her head with useless little facts about shows and movies and books.

she can tell you that the best place to look for tv transcripts is twiztv.com. she can tell you that oz from buffy's reals name is daniel osbourne. she can tell you that sir ian mackellen is gay. and that's a fact, not a defamation.

but what she can't tell you are stuff like the hottest bands, the 'in' thing for fashion, or anything for that matter. and unless you actually come to talk to her in school, she'll probably go about daily never knowing that you exist.

she talks of people from shows and from the internet as if she knows them. everything is on a first name basis. the writer she admires most, is an un-published fanfiction writer. every few weeks, nadz goes off on some new obsession that she's picked up. this new craving will start up in her and it would not be satisfied until she has consumed every single fact, fanfiction and useless trivia about it. only then, would that craving lay dormant for a little while before setting off again.

she's wonders if this obsession that she has with the world that doesn't exist is healthy for her. there has been times when she's faked sickness just so that she could stay at home and read some new fanfic. she knows that some of her friends can't connect with her because this obsession that she has is a huge part of who she is.

that's why she gets all excited once she finds out that there is someone real around her that loves the fanfiction world as much as she does. or when she meets a fellow lotr lover. (she's only met one so far and he's gone off to poly)

normal people her age talk about music and clothes. she wants to talk about stories. her interests aren't the same as most of her peers, which is why she withdraws from them sometimes. which leaves her feeling deeply unsatisfied. which leads to feeling unhappy about her life.

it's a vicious cycle, let me tell you.

all she wants is for other people to see exactly why she loves this other world so much. she wants to share it with them. she likes sharing stuff, but sometimes her friends don't want the stuff that she's willing to share.

and now she's starting to think that this is freaky, that she is a little freaky. so, goodbye now!

one day, you are going to wake up in a come - btvs

2005-09-17T17:56:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i've just figured out something about me that i've always wondered about. i think i finally know why i don't get attached to people that easily anymore. and why i feel as if i don't need my friends in school so much.

it's because the empty places in my heart that usually my schoolmates or my good friends would fill up, has already been taken. i've already found the special people in my life. and i realised that they're enough. i don't need any more.

i have the best parent anyone could ever ask for. my mom is the one person in my life that i know i can always count on. and then, i have faz and izzah, my bestfriends. i don't spend that much time with them anymore this year, but everytime i feel lonely or down in school, the first person i would call is faz.

i've just stopped relying so much on the people in ny. they didn't know that i was crying a lot nearing my bday this year. faz did. she was the first person i called. the only person that i could ever have thought of calling.

i guess, hers and izzah's friendship is enough for me.

but it is scary to think about what i would do if god forbids, something ever happens to them. my worst fear isn't of dying. it isn't of failing. it's of waking up one day and finding out that my mom is gone. that she's died. i don't know what i'm going to do if that should ever happen. and i know that it will have to happen someday.

i think about it a lot. i'll lie in bed at night, the lights off, just thinking about how i'll react when i find out. maybe i'll be in shock. maybe i'll just start crying hysterically. i dunno. i don't even want to think about it, but i do. it's like i have this morbid part in me that keeps making me think about it.

i told faz once that the thought of her dying gave me inspiration for something that i was writing. she laughed. but, how am i going to be like when that really happens? when i no longer have my best friend with me?

i'm gonna get some chocolate now.

2005-09-06T19:36:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

wooooo....

my head is spinning. and if i move from side to side just so, it's almost as if i'm walking on the moon. *sways*

*shakes head*

maybe i shouldn't have mugged econs for 5 straight hours. or maybe, i should find a better place in bk to mug. my usual place has really bright orange light that just hurts after too long. they kept playing with it. turn it up...dim it...turn it up...dim it...

arh!!!

but hey, i mugged econs! that's a feat all on it's own. so proud of me. :) (even if all i managed to do was perfec competition) i must mug with faz more often. it actually works. and she's much better than me in econs.

anyway, yay for siti who has just finished our council webbie! wooohooo! remember to visit it! :D

2005-09-03T21:01:00.000+08:00

hey it's me.

had lots and lots and lots of fun at ping qi's place last night with the invest adhoc. wooo! we rule! hahha...josh, huishan, jeannette and vanessa were all there, including me and ping qi, of course. poor audrey couldn't make it cos her mom wouldn't let her. whew! so glad that mine decided to relent at the last minute and just let me go. usually the best way is to just ask her once, get her consent and never mention it again till the night/day before.

which was excatly what i did. :)

we settled our craving for gossip first, of course. that was a must. then we moaned at the ridiculous amount of time the pizza delivery boy was taking. and the whole time, huishan was sprawled on the floor, reading archie comics. we ate, we watched some anime and tried to make sense of it. i tried to understand japanese as there were only chinese substitles and pq translated it for me.

it wasn't long before we got bored and started demanding for mah jong. they had to teach me first though cos my knowledge of mah jong extends only to about knowing that it's a popular game and one that is highly addictive. so i learned the basic skills and tried really really hard to memorise what each chinese character meant. 1-4 are easy enought to figure out, but the rest were tough. so i gave up and just asked them.

and let me tell you, i'm not too bad at the game. i won a couple of times. the first time winning was the best. it was exhilarating. knowing that you could finally grasp the gist of the mysterious game. of course we played with no money. duh... my mom would wring my neck and slaughter me if if ever played the real game with money.

it was just fun, you know? hanging out with the girls (plus josh). giggling over silly stuff. talking about guys. making fun of huishan. muahaha...pq's house was so comfy i didn't want to leave! waaa! her sofa was oh my god! we were so tempted to not go for the yellow ribbon walk thing, which was the main reason why we even slept over in the first place.

lots of photos were taken. including one of us and the 'dead body' a.k.a dear huishan who had fallen asleep on the sofa with like ten thousand pillows covering her. we wanted to remove it, but then it was too bright. so we just left it there. i'm just waiting for pq to upload the pics. mmm...

yellow ribbon thingy was okay. walked with less than half of the 28th, namely us, kah hui, zhiming, jin fa and choy. pq lied to us. she kept saying that the end was near when according to kah hui it was still many many miles down the road. grrrr! but the boys were kind enough to lug our heavy bags for us. thanks zhiming and choy! :)

speaking of choy, he's a wild party animal. seriously. should have seen him when we were about to set off, dancing to britney's 'toxic'. hahaha....

yeap...it was a fun day. *smiles contendtedly* i'm gonna go off now. 'night!

2005-08-31T16:32:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

whatever happenned to us? we used to be friends. we used to talk and laugh and just enjoy each other's company. fun was something that came easily, whether it was by doing something stupid or just sitting there stoning.

how did it become like this? how did it get so bad that i go for days without ever talking to all of you, and yet, not really missing it? rather, i actually go out of my way to avoid you guys. i go with my classmates, my council mates, anyone just so that i don't have to be around you.

i don't know who is it that had changed. is it me? have i deserted you guys? have i turned my back on you? i guess it is me. cos there isn't anyone else who's in the same situation as me. maybe i've been spending too much time with my council friends. or maybe i shouldn't try and get to my classmates more. maybe i should just stick to my own people.

just like you guys are.

i'm sorry if you feel hurt by what i'm saying. i'm just trying to make you understand why is it that i have changed. i don't want to rely so much on just one person, or one group of people. i don't want my council friends to be my only friends. nor my classmates to be my only group of people to go crazy with.

i want a wider circle of friends. it's not enough that i mix around with my one people. cos they're like me. it's only through dealing with other people that i'll grow. and it makes me proud to know that i can comfortably talk to whole groups of new people. that i don't have to always have you guys around or i'll feel lost.

it's not like i don't want to talk to you guys. i do. i really do. but what is there for us to talk about? there's nothing anymore. you guys have drifted so far away from me that i dont have anything in common with you anymore. i could pretent to be interested in something just for you guys, like i was earlier this year, but what is the point anymore?

i have different tastes from you guys. i'm not crazy about music. it's just there for me. the only things that do interest me about it are the lyrics and if the videos ae interesting from a dramatic standpoint. i'm not very melayu. you know that, i know that. i've never been a very melayu person and i never will be a very melayu person. i can't stand girls who laugh out loud like hyenas, uninhibited. it's not flattering, and neither does it reflect well back on the girl.

call me a conservative. that's just the way i am.

and maybe it would help if you stop making fun of the people i like. so what if my tastes differ widely from yours? that's why they're my tastes. that's why i like them, not you. i'm not asking you to like whoever it is that happens to catch my fancy from time to time, but don't judge. who cares if he has ears that look like mojo jojo? will it hurt you to just be supportive?

my classmates who hardly know me are more supportive than you.

my council people, my invest ad-hoc that i've been raving about for the past couple of months, these are girls that are slowly becoming my extremely good friends. these are the people that i go to when i'm sad and just need a hug. they at least allow me to be myself.

it has just come to a point that i have more in common with them than with you. it's not something that i'm proud of, or even something that i like. it just is. but i want you guys back. i want to go crazy with you again. to go out like we used to. to have someone else to talk to. ultimately, i still need you guys. i still need you around me.

can we talk? please?

2005-08-30T22:56:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

are we perfectionists?

nah, we're just anal ;)

2005-08-27T19:29:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

the voice in my head keeps going parampumpum.

wonder why?

2005-08-26T22:00:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i'm kinda missing 4/3 a lot today. and i don't quite know why.

i'm just craving for another bbq, where we would have to spent nearly two hours just trying to get the fire started. we would be throwing any available item into the pit, in hopes that the fire would be strong enough for us to start cooking. some unfortunate notes have been scarificed in the process, leaves have been plucked from trees and thrown in. i think at one point, we even strated poking in some sticks and twigs.

that was how desperate we were.

and it seemed like we never learnt. we've had class bbqs at least 3 times now, and we still have strouble getting the fire started. and i'm not even going to start on our 'cooking'. if you can call it cooking. our solution to any problem? add in more butter. and that goes for anything. it's no wonder that we consume at least 2 whole packets of butter.

all the while, it would mostly be the girls around the fire. so we tend to get pretty noisy. we'll be screaming. or cheering pei rong on. she's our bbq expert. everytime the fire gets too big, we'll be screaming. and when it's dying down, we'll start screaming too.

it's pretty chaotic, these bbqs that we have.

the boys?

well, for those who do turn up, they'll be making some really lame jokes. or some really dirty ones. depending on who is telling the jokes.

yep, i miss 4/3. really hoping to see most of them back for teacher's day.

oi! when are we having our next bbq? or gathering?

2005-08-23T19:37:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

my friends are love.

a HUGE thanks to liyana, hazri, arina and nadia for helping me yesterday when i got food posoining. they brought me home, bought ENO for me and sang songs in my living room. really, i don't know what i would have done had they not been there. probably just find a corner in northpoint to huddle up in in pain and bawl my eyes out till some cleaner finds me.

so, thank you. to liy who tried her best even when she didn't know what to do or how to react around someone who was crying. heheh... to nadia, who called out in the toilet to make sure that i hadn't died and for making me want to laugh. to moniza, for coming all the way down to ny for my birthday. to hazri, for being so excited about his eno, and for getting the orange-flavoured one. :) and to arina, who was just a comforting presence and made sure i got home safely and didn't faint halfway there.

did i mention that my friends are love? hehhe...

this has just been the best and worst birthday of my current teenage life. i can't exactly say of my entire life, cos i'm sure that there many birthdays long past that have been labeled 'the best' or 'the worst' and i'm sure that there are many many more coming up.

i'm digressing.

anyway, i'm about to go into detail what i received for my birthday, so if you are not interested, i suggest you skip the next few paragraphs. i'll be sure to let you know when i'm done talking about me and my presents. hahaha...

went out with faz and izzah on saturday. we finally gave iz her birthday prezzie which was one whole month late! but nevermind, it required a lot of work, and at least it got to her before her next birthday...that's what counts. they got me this frame thingy, with a heart and my name in it. okay, i just gave a really bad description of it. but it's really pretty!

then, went to far east to get boss his birthday boxers, which was also late. hahah...ping qi wants him to wear it to our next gm. have i ever mentioned here that i love my 28th? the absolutely best group of people to work with, espcially the invest ad-hoc. speaking of which, i am really excited about the upcoming sleepover at pq's place. yay! a long night of gossipping awaits me. hahha...who knew that i liked gossipping this much?

mama got me a beautiful bracelet, a book that said 'the best things in life begin with N', a birthday card and my LOTR: the complete movie guide that is just absolutely, jaw-droppingly, amazing. the birthday cake that she 'made' (without the use of an oven, mind you) was yum!.

but it was my class that totally suprised me. i was not expecting anything from them, and honestly, i had no right to. but they got both me and karen a birthday cake each. (and i must say that mine was the more popular one. heheh....) got some chocs from them, and a gorgeous notebook from emma, zhy ying, melissa and ellis. it's so pretty that all i want to do is sit and stare at it.

THANKS 05A5A!!!! muacks!

then went out for dinner with arina, hazri, liyana, nadia and moniza. zu couldn't make it cos she had her french exam. hazri, liy and nadia got me a cute senseless book that i like way too much for my own good. it's so cute! hehhe...arina and moniza got me an oasis cd and some earrings.

ah...can you sense my total satisfaction in everything that i got this year? and i got to see k-box. so that made things all the better. hehehe...even arina thinks he's kinda cute, so it's not me alone. hah! but mon says that he looks like a primate. poor guy...hahaha...

all this was in the first half of the day.

the second half of the day was spent clutching my tummy and moaning in pain. sometimes i wonder how i get myself into these kind of situations. who in the world gets food posoining on her birthday?! only me, i tell you. it was really quite painful. and i'm still wondering what was it i ate that was bad.

but i'm all better now. expecially after a whole day of lazing around at home. consider it as a birthday gift from the doctor. hehhe...

so...goodnight, now!

oh, by the way, for all those who went to ltc, check this out :www.ltcexperience.frazid.com really cool.

2005-08-16T08:50:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

exactly how am i supposed to find classes that i didn't even know existed? if this was secondary school, easy. i'll just go to their homeroom and find someone, but i don't even know where these freaking classed are!

what am i to do? scream out 'OI! S3E! CAN YOU COME OUT SO THAT I CAN TALK TO YOU?' and pray really really hard that someone from that class heard me? or should i go around and interrogate every single J1 that i don't know in hopes that i would get lucky and one of them is from that class?

arh! science classes! they're all a pain in the butt.

2005-08-15T19:46:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i love, love, love Faz!

just when i think that people suck and that i should just bury my head underground and never re-surface, she manages to cheer me up. and that's without even knowing that i needed cheering up in the first place. so, wee!

i'm just a lucky girl :)

what do i want?
i want ______. (cant believe that i actually said his name. my god. what is becoming of me?

2005-08-11T12:47:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i don't get it. i just don't.

why is it that things that other people find interesting or amusing, i just find plain blah? i look and i look, and seriously, there's nothing there that can keep me entertain for even the slightest minute. and things that i find interesting are stuff that no one else seems to care about.

damnit.

it just sucks that it's so hard to find someone with the same tastes as me. there's no one in this freaking school who loves LOTR like i do. or who can't go on for a day without reading at least one fanfic. or maybe, these people are out there, i just haven't really found them.

WHERE ARE YOU?!

in the end, because of the lack of things to talk about, i'll just shut up and detach myself even more. i've been so detached from the people around me that it's a bit scary. I'm a sharing kind of person, not someone who keeps secrets or hides herself away. but lately, that's mainly been what i've been doing.

blah.

i'll just shut up. don't want people to accuse me of being melodramatic, now do i?

2005-06-16T23:45:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

my life is so full of senseless fluff that no one else but me would find entertaining or fulfilling. but oddly enough, i do. there are people out there who try to dramatise every thing they do. their life is put on show like some bad broadway musical. every tiny detail of their life is put up for miscroscopic viewing, not that these people care wether we want to view them or not, they just assume that we do. every little problem is blown up to sound like some greek tragedy fit for the gods. they offer up little meaningless trivia about their lives, like how many hours they slept last night. or how many meals they ate the night before.

we just wanna say, 'i don't care' to them, but that would seem too blunt and mean. so we sit there and look interested. and smile these fake phony smiles while thinking of how to change the subject. and there they sit in front of us, yaking on and on about some thing that we don't even want to know about, much less care about.

i just dont get these people.

and yet, i know that i can sometimes be one of those people. so, i apologise for the countless times that i've made one of my friends go through that experience, and i apologise for the many more countless times taht i will make them go through it.

darn...i got side-tracked. hmmm...oh yeah. the senseless fluff that is my life.

i mean, hey! there is nothing wrong with celebrating a simple life. bilbo baggins, a wise hobbit, said it and it is true. i don't mind at the end of my life, to look back upon my life that many would have called simple. just as long as i was contented. and so were the people i loved and those around me. that is the most importaing thing, right? to have led a life that was fulfilling?

and sometimes, because of the senseless fluff that revolves in my simple, simple life, i have no idea what to blog about. i guess i could have blogged about the movie me and faz watched yesterday that we got a refund off cos there were some major technical faults. or i could have blogged about my trip to kl and raved about the shopping. (which was great, in care you want to know). and i had a whole entry planned out in my head.

but when i sat down to blog, i got bored. so i didn't.

i think that's the problem with me. i get bored easily.

2005-06-04T18:23:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

got lots to say, so bear with me.

council camp was....an experience that i will never forget nor will i ever want to. i'm not saying that i don't mind or want to go for it again, but i don't regret going through it and doing the best that i could. it was the first outdoor camp that i've ever had, the first time that i went to pulau ubin and the first time, i was really with my fellow elects and councillors. besides the fact that it was the first time that i went through an entire camp without my specs.

wanna know what happened?

it was like an omen. the moment i stepped ontu the island, when i got off the boat, i dropped my glasses into the sea. plop! and down it went sinking right to the bottom of the sea. haiz...spent the whole two days there half blind and squinting like an idiot. i'm not saying that it wasn't an experience on its own having to go through camp not being able to see. i had to rely so much more on my elects and group mates. they basically had to be my eyes where-ever i went and they had to make sure i knew what was on the ground as we treked or else, i would have tripped and fallen flat on my face.

thankfully that never happened.

let me tell you, looking back now, i don't think that i have ever been so stressed in my life before at a camp. i felt as though i was constantly chasing time and making sure i didn't fall behind. it was like trying to run from a speeding train; you can't. it will just catch up with you. there was this constant sense of urgency. i guess that was what they were trying to teach us. it was always, 'time check!' or 'elects! you have a two minute toilet break and your two minutes started a minute ago!'. can you just imagine how high the stress level was?!

but now we all laugh at it. cos we have all pretty much survived and got through the camp. the whole lot of us would just go 'you all still walking is it? walk some more!!!' and everybody will just groan and laugh. do you know that i still twitch when-ever i hear our dm shout? there's now this instinct in me. haiz...

the scariest bit in the camp?

when we were woken up at 12.30am for an inspection drill and then our night walk. it was all so blur. i should have that kind of alarm clock like that every morning. it is damn effective, let me tell you. i've never woken up so fast before and so alert some more! hahah...anyway, they pumped us, they screamed at us, then they led us to some dark, god-forsaken place in the middle of the island for the confidence walk. the walk itself wasn;t that scary, but it was the fact that i did it without my glasses and alone.

c'mon lah! i'm terrified of the dark! the whole time as i was walking, i just kept my head down, ny torchlight right in front of my feet and my eyes trained down. i doidn't look up at all! and i kept praying of course. the whole time as i walked, i just prayed. then, there were dogs! dogs! ahhh! and i had to cross the place with the dogs! but i did it. yay! hahha...

the best part?

without a doubt, it was campfire night, without the campfire. i don't know. what else can i say about it? except that it finally made me feel as if we were all one council.

then, i had pre-u sem camp.

now, that was slack. my whole group was a bunch of pure slackers. there was someone from each jc, so it was pretty cool. and we got to play golf and bowl too! ]

i think i'll go off now. still feeling really tired. see ya!

2005-05-28T06:34:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i'm just sitting in my room eating my breakfast and taking this chance to blog before going off for council camp at pulau ubin. wooh! i'm kinda excited and nervous and anxious all at the same time. i know that i'm gonna enjoy it afterwards, but the during is what's scaring the shit out of me.

anyway, my bag weighs a ton! it's like somebody killed another person, cut 'em up and stuffed them into my bag. i can't walk! i'm stooping like an old man! hahha...haiz..wonder how i'm gonna trek for 45 minutes and last?

i gottab go now or else i'll be late. so off i go on my journey...goodbye, so long! and have a nice holiday everybody! :)

2005-05-18T20:44:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

blah...i'm feeling quite blah...and why? cos we had pt. whoopee. blah...

as i was running, serene was beside me, trying to motivate me to run some more, to go faster, to stop walking, to put in more effort, to just try. she's trying to motivate me, and all i kept thinking was, 'When will this end?' she kept saying that i could do it, c'mon!. haiz...i mean, who are you to tell me what i can and what i can't do? how do you know that i can do it? are you the one who has been lugging this weight around? are you the one who has had to carry this lump of lard for the past 17 years? because last i checked, it was still me.

don't take that too personally. i've just always wanted to say that, and it's been dwelling in my head the whole way home, so i've had time to refine it. heheh...i just love being dramatic....:)

look, i'm not what you call a very sporty person. i don't wake up early every morning just to run circles round some track. i don't enjoy working out, in fact, i hate it. but, i like sports. i love playing games. i know lah that i'm not some sportwoman, but i'm pretty decent in them. i'm actually useful to the team. make me do pt, and i wont quite mind.

but running? man, that is just cruel. nothing is as bad as running. me and running? we mix about as well as oil and water - we just dont. you know what i hate the most about running? the fact that we're exposed to anyone watching. and i hate that. i absolutely hate it. it just destroys my confidence.

i'm confident in me. i think that i portray the image of someone who is pretty assured of herself at most times. i'm okay with how i look, hell, i know that i'm not exactly the beauty queen, but i don't think that i am the ugly witch either. i have that much confidence in me. yes, i do have my layers of protection and facades. who doesn't? i hide behind this image of a bubbly girl who is friendly with most people.

then, when you make me run, you strip me of all my protection. you strip me of my confidence and my strength. you turn me from this strong girl who has talent, into just another fat girl who can't run. and i detest that. when i run, all i am, is me. the whole ugly truth of who i am. my talents lie in presentations, in speeches and in writing, in teaching and maybe some other stuff that i don't know yet. what my talent does not lie in, is sports.

i hate how when i run, i feel like i'm being judged. heck, i'm even more comfortable in front of hundreds of people than i am running. people think, and people judge. and i get labeled under this catagory of 'the fat people'. i can't look at anyone when i run or after i run, i feel too ashamed. i feel as though i'm not good enough, and i never will be good enough. i know that, so why can't they accept it?

they ask: what have you learnt today?

what have i learnt today? i learnt that when people cheer me on, it stresses me up. i'm sorry..i know that it's meant to help motivate me, but i feel this added pressure on me. like, hey, people are cheering you on, so you had better run. i'm forced to do it. then, after that, i can't look them in the eye. they'll be around me, saying congrats, asking how i am, and all i want to do is find a corner to hide.

cos i feel that i have disappointed them. i feel as if, me not being able to run, is my fault now. and i know that i'm probably disappointed some people today. maybe serene and fauwaz. and i'm sorry. i know that i'm not the best person when i'm running. i'm uncoorperative. i'm stubborn. and maybe, i give up too easily.

blah...all this from running. the kind of things that run through my head...

2005-05-16T21:39:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

nadia, i'm taking you head on.

i'm pro-life. i think that every baby should always be given a chance to live, to experience life as it was meant to, to be borne into this world. i don't believe in abortions. unless of course, the birth of the baby will be detrimental to the health of the mother, like, she has a very high risk of dying during child birth.

i'm against abortions first because of my religion. I'm not that religious, i make my fair number of mistakes too, and i don't pretend to be very religious. but my religion is against it, and for a very good reason too, and i agree with their stance. secondly, i personally believe that everybody should be given that choice to live.

you ask, what if the mother is taking crack while pregnant, or the parents are abusive, then, wouldn't it be better, kinder, to the baby if it had been aborted? because then, the baby could be born with defects and will maybe have to live its life constantly being judged by people. or, it will be borned into the world just to abused and kicked around by the people who were supposed to love it and care for it. life for the baby would be a misery, and maybe he/she would have wished that they haven't been borned.

then, i ask you, who are we to decide who gets to live and who dies? because abortion, is murder. no matter how you put it, what you are doing, is essentially, taking the life of someone who has NO say in it. you're ending the life of a baby who can't defend itself. who cant fight for that chance of life. does that sound cruel to you?

because it is cruel.

how different is abortion from leaving a baby in the car to let it die from the heat? how different is it to end the life of that foetus in your womb from neglecting to care for your baby while it was in the tub and letting it drown? it isn't. and it's cruel. how can we decide which is the more merciful; to abort and prevent it from suffering, or to bring it to this world but have to watch it suffer?

no parent wants to watch their child suffer. no parent should also have to bury their child. but the world is a cruel place, and sometimes, life is cruel too. but would it have been better to have lived and lost or to not have lived before? i would say to have lived and lost. to have that baby, to accept its defects as a gift, a challenge that god has given you, and love it the best that you can. to see that baby, your baby, your own flesh and blood, smile at you. to have its tiny fingers curl around your own. all these are tiny blessings that only the baby can give you.

or would you rather live the rest of your live wondering what it would have been like to have that child? would you rather feel that pang in your heart whenever you see a child run up to his mom for a hug. would you rather life on knowing that you missed out on one of the biggest blessings in anybody's life.

god made each child different. whether it was in the shape of their head, their skin colour or their personality. but one thing that they all have in common, is how, by their mere presence, they can turn your whole world upside down. a child with ADD or who is autistic sees the world differently from their peers, but that does not make them less special, less worthy to live.

what i've been trying to say, is that life is tough. there are many curveballs thrown at us. we all have to face many trials in the years that we live. but at the end of it on our deathbeds, even with all the crap that we would have had to go through, life would still have been worth it. imagine that. and by being aborting, we're snatching that chance away from these babies.

and who are we to do that?

2005-05-11T21:04:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

well, will you look at that. it has actually been 5 WHOLE days since i last blogged. like, wow... hahha...and i still don't really feel like blogging much. not because there's a lack of interesting things to blog about, which i assure you, there are. but rather because i have been sort of distant from pretty much everybody lately. i just felt that i needed to withdraw for a little while before i could be me again.

but now, i'm me again! yay! me, with a really, really sore throat and real physical exhaustion just coursing through my body. i prefer being tired physically than mentally and emotionally. emotional exhaustion just drains all the life and soul out of you. at least physical exhaustion means that you have done something worthwhile today.

can you believe it, i am actually enjoying this time from when we were elected as councillors to the camp, which will be in about 3 weeks? i feel, like i belong in a group. and it's a really really nice feeling. and for all that the 27th tries to be mean and harsh on us, they're still a big bunch of softies. hahha...that's why i don't quite mind all this 'tests' that they're making us go through.

and also because at the end of it, i think it will be all worth it. i am either an optimist at heart hiding behind a pessimist exterior. or i am someone who will just go with the flow without questioning much or complaining. and it's fun! like, seriously, fun. i think that i'll actually enjoy my next two years here. :)

so, do you think that i'm an optimist? hehehe...

2005-05-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

to say that my greatest fear is disappointing people, is an understatement. to say that i am way over my head right now, is an understatement. to say that i am pretty much messed up, is, well, an understatement.

i don't know what to say.

i want to let it all out. to let you know what's wrong. why i'm feeling like this. why i'm so tired. why i'm stressed. but i don't have the energy to do that. the exhaustion is winning.

but, thanks guys, for caring. for showing concern, sincere concern. thanks for trying to cheer me up. arina came back. that's for the 'surprise'. i loved it.

love you all, lots.

2005-05-04T20:20:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

=)

need i say more?

actually, yes.

i need to say more. i want to say more. i'm done keeping things a secret, all at least trying to. and that failed. it only lasted a day, till nadia managed to pry out the information from me.

the very fact that liverpool beat chelsea and officially kick their blue behinds out of the champions league, makes it a good day. the world is now a better place. hahha...

then, the ultimate good news, i got into council! yay! hahha...*dances around* oot, oot! yeah, baby! :)

and it is mama's birthday today. i got her an iron. yes, an iron. you know, those steam kind. it's a weird gift lah, but she wanted one. so, okay lah. then i belanja-ed her to swensens. yum!

and, i shook hands with him! hahha...haiz...so nice...*giggles*

hahha...hasn't it been a good day? and it will continue to be good!

2005-05-01T21:38:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

*smiles an obscenely large and bright smile* i am happy. :) can you tell that i am happy?

*nods vigorously* yep! i am most definitely happy. hahha...

*dances around* do you know why i am so happy? can't you tell by now why is it that i am just a bouncing ball of glee right now? well, some of you do. weee!

*bounces with barely restrained excitement* oooh! can't wait for school! uh-huh...yeah! wooohoo!

yah, crushes are fun. :D hehhe...and it's not even yellow t-shirt guy. muahha!

goodnight, everyone!

2005-04-29T20:38:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i am in what you call, a state of high.

there are so many things that i would like to say here. that i would like to tell you, but i can't. a blog is not a safe place to divulge one's secrets.

haiz...i can't really comprehend all the things going on in my head right now. but, they're all good. they're all very good stuff that can keep me occupied for hours on end.

just a couple of things:
liyana; great job, man. that was good.
sharif; bloody hell, you rock ass! i bow down to you in reverence to your guitar playing. hahha...
izzah; oi! when you free? wanna go out?
yellow t-shirt guy; you make coming to school so worthwhile...hahha! i sound like a teenage girl with hormones running all over her. hahha...

and lastly...i am happy and i am blessed. thank you, god.

2005-04-29T09:16:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

my voice is so raw now. like, sometimes, when i speak, the only thing that comes out is a little squeek. kay, nevermind. it was all worth it. all for the volleyball teams. i've never felt so proud and happy to be an nyjc student as i was yesterday when we beat the hell out of hci and vjc. wahahah!!! screamed like a maniac, cheered like mad and jumped up and down like a kangaroo. weee! so fun, though it was freaking hot in there. i hope we win the finals. both the guys and girls team. :)

i was looking at the vj students who came to cheer their team on yesterday, and thinking that i would have been one of them. i would have been in that uniform. and then, i looked at ny's brown thingy and the crazy, sweaty bunch of people all around me, and surprisingly, felt no sense of regret. i didn't feel jealous of those people. i didn't think that they had it better than me. i'm happy here. yay! so glad for me. and i don't think that our uniform is that bad. c'mon lah! there's like one or two other jcs, which i shant mention, which have uglier uniforms than ours.

you know what? we're lucky. i've always felt that my batch have great seniours. and we do. the batch above us, are really really nice and friendly. i've always loved my seniours. whether it was in anderson, with the drama seniours, or now here at ny. and for once, i like my student council president. like, he's actually someone who is capable and worthy of that post. not like in anderson, when i didn't really like our presidents.

and after being blessed with great seniours, i want to be a good one to the batch below us. but my god! they are a bunch of devils! seriously. there are very few okay, nice juniours amongst that whole batch of leeches.

i've just finished reading da vinci code and i've got to say, dan brown, you are a genius! i love that book if only because it makes me think. i don't just read it, and move on. i actually think about whatever he mentions in there. and that is in incredible feat. wow...i can't wait to read his other books.

okay, my fingers are freezing and i can't type properly. any spelling-typo errors here are not my fault! blame the school's insistance on freezing us all in the library.

2005-04-26T21:44:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

people are so confusing at times. especially teenagers. seriously. you would think that as i teenager myself, i would be able to at least understand what in the hell the people around me are going through. but think again, i don't!

maybe it's just the type of person that i am. if i have a problem with something, i just say it out. whatever i'm feeling, i'm thinking, it's all free information to anyone who is willing to learn. but you'll be amazed at the meagre number of people who actually bother to learn. haiz...i an open book. i know that. you know that. heck, even people who have just known me for a few hours can know that.

that's why i just dont get why people would want to be all miserable and secretive and mysterious. it pisses me off. i don't know. maybe they think it's like cool to be mysterious. and not have anyone know you. but what is the fun in that? i've tried mysterious and secretive and quiet nadz. guess what? didn't work. i couldn't stay silent for long.

if my friends have like a problem, or of they are miserable, i would want them to tell me. i'm a blur person lah people. subtle hints dont work for me. it needs to be obvious. it just sucks when you don't know why they're acting like that. or why they are so miserable. i just want to know WHY. so can you all like tell me why? cos i want to help you out and cheer you up, but it's hard when i don't know what's wrong.

like, i said, we're all a bunch of confusing people who just love to wallow in our own angst and make our lives much more miserable than it really is.

and i need a time out from some people. better get it soon before i blow up.

Get in car! Get in car!

2005-04-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

loving it even more. loving nanyang more the longer i stay there and the more i get to know the seniours. weeee! as you can see, i am having a good day. hahah.... :) i don't want to regret my decision to stay, and neither do i want to hate it with a passion, cos then, my stay there wont be fruitful. i can't look at it as just 2 years. i have to look at it as the last 2 years in which i can just explore all the possibilities out there. i can try out anything i want. i get to see what i'm good at.

anderson showed me what i am good at and gave me the confidence to pursue those strengths. but they didn't give me the opportunities to test it. i can't say that they supported me. i din't really shine there. which is why i love ny so much now.

I AM UNIQUE HERE!!!

and i just love it! i need to be in an environment where i am unique, i am different. i cannot flourish in a place where there are people with the exact same interests and strengths as i do. i hate it! and anderson was kind of like that. but here....wah....i feel, empowered muahha! i have confidence in myself now.

so, yay!

now, my pre-u sem mates are tempting me to join debate darn. debate or council? which is more worth it? or should i just go for both? hahha....and then, just let my studies slide....

it's hard to let go of a dream. of something that you love. but sometimes, you just have to do it. i had to bury one of dreams early this year. and i thought that was hard enough. but now...one more dream to say bye bye to. haiz...it's a little cruel.

i'm giving up on acting.

2005-04-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i just want to crawl under the covers and dream my life away. if only that was possible. i don't if you guys think i'm weird for saying this, but i wish that i was hobbit. i wish that i could go and live in middle-earth. hobbits have such an enviable lifestyle. haiz...and not for the first time, i just want to disappear.

my eyes are cross-eyed from all the studying. i can't focus on a single subject. eee! help! haha...i may have econs tutorial right after econs lecture tml, which means that i wont be able to go to the canteen and ogle at heaven. haiz...i may pon it then...hahha! i'm insane!

in other news, i found a worm in my tudung yesterday. i am now too traumatised to wear my green tudung anymore. eeeee! it was in my tudung! INSIDE!!! gross! i started cursing like a mad idiot. then i fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop and so had to walk back. haiz....

i seem slightly disjointed today. crossy-eyed...wooo!

hmmm...hugh jackman is yum!

2005-04-21T22:12:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

wah, fuck it. i think i may have taken on more things than i can handle. and this is even with my relatively 'light' subjects. lit is just like piling up. the tutors are constantly giving us work to do. there is never and end to the lit tutorials. you would think that if i do my work everyday, eventually, i would work my way to the end of the pile, huh....not happening. and i am just totally lost in maths. lectures is like this major waste of time where i end up talking and laughing more with zu and liy than actually paying any sort of attention.

i wish i still had mr loke. or that chye taught at ny i miss that bugger. he's such a good teacher. whatever lah. i'll cope. i always do.

pre-u sem is coming up. i'm in the presentation team. there was this thing where there are 5 of us, and only 4 will actually present, the other one being a reserve. i'm the only j1. so i guess, that makes me the perfect candidate to be the reserve. except that I DO NOT WANT TO BE A RESERVE!!! i want to participate. to get that experience. we'll just see lah. they say that there's gonna be an audition. i don't my chances as being particularly bright.

blah!

i'm part of the loser-loner group in my class. and that is just sad.

2005-04-19T21:32:00.000+08:00

hey, i'ts me.

i'm worried for my mom.

sometimes i think that she takes on more responsibilities than is good for her or any human being for that matter! she's sick today, poor woman has a fever and a sore throat. she was just planning to go to sleep early and hopefully recover fast, but then my grandma called. atok is also sick and may have to go to the hospital. being the responsible daughter that she is, my mom is now on her way to redhill to check up on him.

i wonder if maybe she feels that as an adopted child, she has this immense responsibility to at least try and pay off the debt of kindness that my grandparents have given her. i mean, they gave her shelter, food to eat and an education. and i'm sure so much more that i don't even know. this is just something that i'm wondering about, or maybe she is a really filial daughter.

it's just that sometimes, i wish that my other aunties would at least try and help her a little. i know that they are all doing their part to support his dialysis and the maid and all that, but it seems to me that she's the one that it always called when either grandparent is ill. i don't know...maybe it's because she's the only one that fully understands the medication and all that business.

and while, everybody is trying to do their part. there is that one person who just refuses to think about someone else besides themselves. she's acting like a child! not the thirty something mother of three that she is! ugh!

okay enough. i feel sad for my mom lah...it's like all i want is to tuck her in to sleep and ber slave for the next few days, but instead she has to go out and maybe even get herself more sick. i hope things aren't too bad, so that she can come home tonight. i don't want to have to sleep all alone at home and then wake up to an empty house too. :(

i hope that when i grow up and have kids of my own, i can be half the mother that she is. i'm not making this up and i don't care how cliched this sounds, but my mom just wows me each day. she always manages to settle the finances. we've never gone hungry once. and i have everything that i can possibly want. i feel guilty sometimes when i think of the amount of work my mom does each day and then i come home, all full of teenage angst, not fully appreciating what i have.

when i grow up, i want to make enough money to be able to support my mom comfortably. i want to be able to give anything and everything she wants. i want her to able to stop working at the library and go back to childcare, which she quit for me. i want to take her travelling.

i know it sounds stupid, but i hope my mom goes into heaven. she deserves it.

2005-04-19T09:03:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

it's only 9 in the morning and yet, i can tell that it is not going to be a good day. :( haiz...i started the day well enough, with enough time to indulge in some faramir and eowyn fluff before having to go to school. and i was excited to give out all the kacang...heheh...but then, things just went downhill from there.

had a relatively easy sigma test that i think i shall fail. bugger. wish i had my notes with me, but then forgot to take them from nadia. then, we had to hand in the test along with the tutorial, which i couldn't, cos again they were with nadia. damn. this is the second time that i have been unable to hand in my homework.

i know that it all sounds trivial and blah blah blah, but somehow, it matters to me the kind of impression that i give to the teachers. it's not like i didn't do or complete my work, i did! it's just not with me! haiz...

add to that, my neck hurts like hell. i don't know what happened while i was asleep, but when i woke up, i can't turn my head back. it's now so bad that even the slightest movement of my head hurts. :(

wahhh!!! i sound so miserable. i am miserable.

got to go...lesson time

2005-04-14T04:49:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i'm very, very sleepy now. only got like 2 hours of sleep. blah! and the match was a bore. okay, maybe not too much of a bore, but it certainly wasn't exciting. haiz...make me regret waking up early for it. now, i want to sleep and not wake up in time to go to school. shit all.

so, we were briefed yesterday about the council campaign/election process. i dunno what to say about it all, except that i feel scared shitless about having to go through the question and answer sessions. scared shitless...and we have 4 of such sessions. 4?! two mock ones and two real ones.

dear god, help me.

and i predict that i shall spent the next two weeks walking with my eyes permanently fixed on the ground. we were given these ....tags to wear with our name and nominee number. they were horribly bright. like, neon bright. haiz...and all this talk about campaigning. blah! i don't think i want to campaign. i'll probably do all the compulsary stuff, but like, posters and banners? forget about it.

i know that i've been told to expect such things and a hostile environment, but god! this is just...nightmarish. i don't care about the campaigning stuff, just really, really scared about the q&a. who knows what kind of ridiculous questions they'll ask? expect the unexpected. expect the worse.

and the mock sessions is this sat. there goes my weekend. i see that the next few weeks are going to be horrible. i can't wait for may to start.

just when i'm finally adjusting well into the normal school timetable and all, this had to come. why did i even sign up? can someone tell me? i could have spent my two years hapily lazing away or slacking. haiz...

still missing everybody. just maybe not so much now.

2005-04-10T21:23:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i have a fetish for socks. no, i don't quite mean it that way. it's more like i am attracted to bright, colourful and stripey socks. the more stripey they are, the better. and it's not like i go out planning to get socks, it's a compulsive thing. i see socks, i want socks, i get socks. as a result of which, i now have over 20 pairs of socks. my mom thinks i'm mad for having so many pairs. i think i'm mad for having so many pairs.

i started the day off well, doing my maths and econs tutorials till all i wanted to do was tear 'em up and throw them into the fire. but then, i got lazy. so i've been pretty languid the whole day. just walking around my house, not doing much, not feeling up to much either...just being lazy. typical me.

...her kohl lined eyes stared woefully at the bundle laying motionlessly on the floor. just another statistic. just another girl laid to waste by the cruelties of life. just someone else who got way laid on this journey and who would never taste the rewards.

the bundle too was another statistic. just one of the millions each year. just one of the few hundreds who were never given the choice of life; were never even given the chance to fight. it never fought, just laid there motionlessly, not quite knowing what it was missing, yet knowing that there was that something.

just another statistic

how she hated that. she hated that her once bright prospect for the future had been reduced to slivers of broken dreams. burnt and destroyed. like a red rose being burnt till only the ashes remained. but maybe that was what life was all about; statistics. there were numbers for everything. for the number of births. number of deaths. number of accidents. number of murders. number of rapes. number of suicides.

the bundle stirred, moving its little limbs slightly as it shifted in the dream world. it didn't know yet that it was no longer safe and sound in the watery cradle that it called home since its existance. the stirring stopped.

she didn't know what to feel for this bundle, but hate was an intense feeling easy to pick out. hate for ruining her life. hate for making her ugly. hate for making her unwanted. hate for making her love it.

her black slip billowed out as a gust of wind played around her. it was windy up here. and the view was quite magnificent. not bad for the end, she thought. so before the bundle could induce more love-like feeling, she picked it up and threw it over the ledge.

and watched it as it sailed through the air and soared like a bird before plummeting to the ground...

what do you think? tell me what you think

2005-04-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

how is it possible to feel this lonely even when you are surrounded by people? rarely have i felt this lonely. and there's this ache deep in me that is unlikely to be going away anytime soon. i know it's selfish, but i want faz and iz with me. i need them. how i wish that i could lock myself in my room, away from all the hurts.

2005-04-07T18:31:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i've been popping pills a lot nowadays and it's starting to scare me.

what's wrong with me?

2005-04-06T21:38:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i hate you.

i hate you so much that it hurts to even think about it. how dare you do what you did. how dare you try to blame it on me. how could you have the power to make me miserable just by saying one word?

i hate you for making me feel so useless and stupid. nothing i do will ever be enough for you. whenever i am around you, i feel degraded.

dear god, please make it stop.

2005-04-06T04:42:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

it's 4.45am and i am wide awake. hehehe...who would have thought? just finished watching the match between Liverpool and Juventus. i'll let zu tell you more about that. i watch, but i'm not as avid a fan as she is. i just watch matches when they're shown on tv and if i could actually bother myself to wake up so early in the morn.

so why do i even do it? why do i actually sacrifice valuable sleeping time for football? besides the fact that i am obviously a little soft in the head? hahha...it breaks the monotony of my life. if not, there is this daily ritual of sleeping, waking and going to school. sleeping, waking, school. sleeping, waking, school. over and over again for the rest of my life, or at the very least 2 more years. i need things like this to break out of the mind-numbing ritual.

and, it's the only times that i would be able to actually watch live football on tv, cos without cable, i am at the mercy of mediacorp. thank god that they have enough brains and sense to telecast football. football's fun to watch and play. you wouldn't believe how nervous one can be or how nerve-wrecking a match can be. you'll virtually be at the edge of your seat, shouting instructions or screming vulgarities at tiny figures on a television screen. amazing, isn't it? how passion can drive you?

early matches also give me the chance to wake up early and make breakfast. i'm doing breakfast right now and leaving some to bring to school for the girls. just like the old times at anderson where people would be expecting me to bring something for recess that morning if there was a match. my jemput-jemput are nearly done, so i can spend the rest of the time reading while waiting for a decent hour to got o school.

one thing about matches, is that when you get bored with the actually football, you can just entertain yourself by observing the habits of the spectators. it's highly amusing, let me tell you. the moment the home team has the ball, cheers will erupt all over the stadium. it doesn't matter if the player actually does something spectacular, just the simple fact that the ball is in their possesion seem reason enough to cheer. but when the opposition has the ball, 'boos' will be heard. and the sound effects are very loud. so, you can imagine if the teams keep loosing possesion, the spectators will be alternating between cheers and boos. it's funny...and amusing. it's like they've been recorded or something. and this is actually something done unconsciously while watching a match live.

and another thing, the players all seem to turn from grown men, to yound childish boys whenever they are in the penalty box. 'the usual shenanigans' was how the commentator described it as. i dunno if it's the fact that it's early or that i'm hungry or that it's just me, but i find that amusing too.

but anyway, at least it's better for people to look up to footballers as a role model, rather than celebrities. footballers-turned-celebrities don't count. at least those people have a real talent and have worked hard for it. not that celebrities dont have talent or haven't worked hard for it, it's just that celebrities do tend to go awry somewhere along the way. and though there are a few thugs masquerading as footballers, most are fairly decent guys.

i don't know. my opinion.

2005-04-04T19:14:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i'm not even gonna bother saying whether it's a good or bad day, cos i tend to contradict myself. BUT, today has been splendid! hehe...i just did what i said i wouldn't. first of all,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FAZ!

yep. me and iz had a birthday 'lunch' for her, not so much of a lunch cos after that they were still hungry, so we went to magic wok to eat. it was the first time i went there with them. new memories. faz was being lame as usual, izzah was the relatively sane one. and i was...melancholic at some parts but almost back to being me again! :) yay! hahha...

then met natasha and arina at far east weee! thank god for small blessings. we gotta count them or we'll just live in misery.

okay..nothing much. just wanted to say that. bye, now!

2005-04-03T10:34:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

feeling slightly better this morning when i woke up. i still can't say 'Good morning' cos it hasn't been particularly good. but it's...bearable.

how weird was it that the more i smiled, they sadder i felt. the wider my grin was, the harder the sobs came. till it came to a point where my smile was wavering so much, i wondered if it was even a smile anymore. i'm sorry people if in the GPA photos, i don't look entirely too happy. and i'm sorry guys, for just crumbling in front of you. :( couln't help it.

but i met faz and izzah after that. so i definitely cheered up. there's just something about those two that can always make me smile and laugh even when i'm really, really sad or crying. they're just the best girlfriends someone like me can have. :) and to answer you question, i don't feel sad about faz being in TP or iz still in AND because i know that they will still be around and i will always meet up with them. i know that we wont ever lose contact cos they're too close to me.

see? not that i'm taking you guys for granted, cos i'm not. and i hope that i never will. i love my new friends but i can never be totally myself around them. with those two weirdos, i can just be nadz and no one will judge me. sometimes, i do miss them a lot. no one can cheer me up like they can.

sometimes i wich that i can just stay at home all the time and not go out. it's so protected at home. i feel safe. i wont be sad. i wont get hurt. i wont get too attached to people who will just end up leaving. i have someone who loves me unconditionally. but, i guess i can't stay at home all the time. not only will i get super bored, i'll end up driving my mom crazy. hehhe...

you know what i wish? i wish i wasn't so easy to read. i wish that i can just fix on a smile on my face and people wont know the difference. i wish i wasn't so open.

2005-03-31T22:36:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

Tiger lily by Matchbook Romance

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.
and if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go...
i'll never let go.
as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawl of you for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i... i don't want to speak these words.
cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

and i... i don't want to speak these words.
cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

why does tonite, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i... i don't want to speak these words.
cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

and i... i don't want to speak these words.
cause i, i don't want to make things
and i...i dont wanna make things any worse

2005-03-31T19:38:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

you know what bugs me? the fact that ny supports mediocrity. in fact, not only to the support it, the encourage it too. it's disgusting. who wants to go through life just being mediocre? or average? or normal? it just pisses me off. so what if those people want to do 4 A levels? let them do it. let them try it out. rather than just discourage them from it entirely.

or maybe it was just the fact that we are arts students. disgusting. whoever said that humanities are easy, should find a nice tall building to jump off from. because that is absolutely rubbish. i wont even bother to go into detail as to why it is rubbish cos you all know the reasons already. it's all whether you actually believe it or not.

i find myself going through my entire career as a student with only one aim in mind: to break all stereotypes. that's all. that is what i have been working for for the past few years and that is what i will continue to work for in the coming years. cos stereotyping is a pain the ass.

in sec 4 my aim was to prove that someone from 4/3, who takes pure lit, which was somehow considered the 'easy' subject, was actually capable of getting a single digit aggregate and do better than those in the triple science classes. i've accomplished that already. it gave me great satisfaction to know that i could have gotten anywhere that i wanted to, but i chose ny. i didn't want to got to a top 5 and just mug my two years off. i want to enjoy and have fun and try out new things.

now, it seems as though i have a lot of new things to prove. that's okay. it gives me a sense of purpose.

1) prove that someone who is not from a top 5 can also do well
2) prove that i can do better than those in top 5
3) prove that i can do better than those in the science stream

so many things that i feel i have to prove to the world. break all stereotypes...

even the smallest person can change the course of history

2005-03-31T16:43:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

why is it that whenever i have a craving to do something, or listen to a song, i am always unable to do just so? like one time when i deperately needed my diary with me, and it just had to be the one day that i didn't have it with me. or yesterday, when i really, really wanted to update and post an entry, yet was unable to do so cos my stoooopid computer didn't allow me too. or like now, just when i want to listen to Helena, i can't! cos, i'm not using my comp. i'm at the library. and i'm trying to get to the song by using yahoo launchcast but it's sucha pain in the ass cos it takes so long. haiz...and now, there's an error. eeeee!!!!

but the good thing is, i am enjoying typing using their keyboard. it makes such a pleasant sound and i feel as though i am using a type-writer. i've always wanted to use one of those. they seem so cool.

i felt so terrible yesterday. not only was it a bad fat day, i felt like an ugly pig the whole day. haiz...it was just one of those days when nothing went right and your body just wasn't co-orperating. annoying, isn't it?

but really, there's only so much and so far that i can continue to deceive myself. i am ... 'cute'. haiz...ugly but adorable. UGLY blagh! who cares about being smart or talented when you're ugly? nobody gives a shit about all that anymore. all people and society really care about it the outside.

how you look. how well groomed you are. whether you are tall or short. whether you are fair or dark. whether you are fat or thin. it's almost as if they are all black and white areas. and you either make it, or you fail horribly. there don't seem to be any gray areas. which just plain suck.

but that was all yesterday, when i feeling really down and all that. i felt better at night though, when my mom came home. seriously, if i've never said it before, my mom is just love. hehehe....no lah...she really is the greatest. like when i felt down yesterday, all i had to do was spend a little time with her, and i feel all better. i'm a lucky, lucky girl to have such a great mom. hehehe...:)

this week has just been the epitome of a bad week. my friends left. i had a severe case of low self-esteem. school is still a mess. and now, i have horrible cramps. yay for me.

but the good news is, i think i've made an impression at NY. today, my old CT just reccomended me for this PESA thing. plain english speaking award. i don't really care about the thing, but it feels nice to have someone reccomending you for stuff. shows that they have faith in you and really believe that you can do it. it just gives you a nice feeling lah...like, you've already made a difference. or an impact.... :)

hahah...i seem to have gotten into the habit of putting smiley faces. :) nevermindlah...

that's okay. i wouldn't remember me either. - american beauty

2005-03-29T21:22:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

so today was an okay day. i didn't feel the need to go find a blanket to hide under, so that's always a good sign. arina, moniza and hazri came back to NY for what could possibly be their last time as they have moved on to greener pastures, (ACJC). having them back was just precious. i wouldn't have believed how much i could miss these people who were strangers mere months ago.

i missed arina's affectionate ways. i missed moniza's little weird, but interesting comments. i'm just gonna miss having hazri there. he's seriously one of a kind. in both the good and bad ways.

and i had no idea why but i suddenly felt the urge to use the word precious. hehehe....:)

i stopped being so melodramatic today. yah, there's still that feeling of sadness that they wont be around so much anymore. that we wont be able to hang together a lot. that we wont be able to see and laugh and get sick of each other's faces every day. but, i already made some very good friends that i never thought i would have. and like they say, you can't have your cake and eat it also.

but it was so fun being melodramatic. hehehehe.... :) (i think i'm high) just rolled around in bed or in the case of the ML room, the sofa, and just be melodramatic. act as if it's the end of the world, when it isnt.

they will only be at the other end of the country. which at least isn't as big as the world, so it's still possible to keep in touch. we'll meet up and go hang together. we can still meet up and go town to eat at Magic Wok. we can go study together, cos it's always good to compare notes from different schools.

haiz...i keep thinking how lucky i was to have such great memories of the first three months. those were really the honeymoon period. it felt like such a lifetime ago, after all the things that happened. but, it was just 3 months ago. weird, aint it? and i know that i'm not the only one who feels this way. there are those lucky few out there also who were lucky enough to have mad friends and enjoyed their time tremendously.

my vocab here is just too weird....high...

I will care for these orphans as if they were actually wanted - Lemony Snicket

2005-03-28T17:35:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

the world didn't seem like such a bad place when viewed from under my blanket. in fact, it seemed almost good. it almost made me want to crawl out and try living again. but that was when my blanket was comfortingly wrapped around my shoulders, protecting me. and that was when my mind was still fuzzy with the after-sleep glow. i had blearily opened my eyes and thought that 'hey, i can get through this. it isn't so bad. stop being so melodramatic and wake up!

but that was when i was under my blanket.

i am no longer under my blanket. there's nothing comforting around me anymore. my mind is no longer fuzzy, in fact it's as clear as anything and i remember everything. i am sorely tempted to crawl back to bed and hide till the end of eternity. but apparently, i have a life to live, whether i want it or not.

so i'm off now. to try and live that life that i mentioned.

2005-03-27T19:02:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

you know, you'll be surprised at the amount of thinking i end up doing when i'm doing my household chores. like when i'm vacuming and mopping up the floor. or when i'm doing the dishes. or when i'm cleaning the tiolet. or when...well, you get the point. the thing is, when you are doing these chores, your muscles take over. it's all basically like muscle-memory. which leaves your brain free to wander of.

and these are the things i ended up thinking about today:

1) have you watched Super Size Me? there is this part in the documentary when the guy was saying how now, it is sort of politically correct to scold a smoker for smoking in public. basically, admonish the person for damaging their lungs for inhaling that disgusting thing.

me, personally, i don't care if you want to smoke. it's your choice and it's your lungs that your killing, not mine. but the moment you smoke in front of me, and blow that disgusting, god-awful concoction in my face, that's when i start having a problem with smokers. because then, you are killing me too. and i didn't ask to die early! how unfair is it that second-hand smokers are worse off than the smokers themselves?

the injustice of it all...

back to my point. blah..blah..blah...but how it is still not politically correct to admonish an obese women who is stuffing her face with fast-food. and why wasn't it politically correct when obesity is soon going to overtake smoking as the no. 1 killer. i think i know why it isn't politically correct. you see, when you smoke, it is not personal. but when you scold someone who is fat about eating, it tends to be a bit personal. because after all, that person is obviously very conscious about their state.

the main thing, being fat is something that is very personal. it's not something that you do because you think it's 'cool'. it's not something that you get addicted to. it's not something that you like. unlike smoking, where there may be peer-pressure to smoke, there is peer-pressure to be skinny. it's the total opposite. so, when you admonish someone who is fat for eating fast-food, you may just be causing that person severe emotional trauma.

that's why it's not politically correct.

2) did anyone watch coming home yesterday? or was it homecoming? erm...whichever one it was, it was about ex-convicts being released back into society and how we should all accept them back.

that is an ideaology if i've ever heard one.

take for example drug abusers. the moment they are in prison, they make all sorts of promises that they will stop the habit. they promise heaven and earth to their family. but the moment they are released, most of them forget about all their promises and go back to the habit. now, i'm not saying that there wont be a few who will actually keep their word and stop. but sad to say, the majority will actually continue on living the way they have before they were caught. it is a vicious cycle.

and i'm not saying all this from a naive's person point of view. i know. that's just how it all is. even if you have a wife and child whom you love, sometimes the siren's call can just prove to be too much. especially if they have good-for-nothing older brother who instead of giving a good impression, was the one who introduced them to drugs in the first place. and the good-for-nothing older brother then proceeds to stand aside and just watch as their younger brother's life pass away.

enough.

anyway, i was watching it and wondering if singapore prisons had beds. cos from the movie, they don't seem to. anybody knows?

and does it hurt to die from an overdose? do you feel the posion taking hold of you? do you start convulsing? do you feel numb? does you brain stop working? does it hurt?

3) seriously, all this talk about death is making me hungry. people are dying all around us. i read faz's blog, where she talks about her young cousins just standing there not really sure what is happening or why everyone was crying.

some of you may synpathise with the young ones. but, don't you realise that they are the lucky ones? they don't get the full impact of the death because they are too young. so by the tiem they grow up and realise that they are missing and uncle or a dad, the emotional and mental impact wont be there anymore. because by then, living without that person would have become normal already.

though the sad thing, because they were too young, they didn't really get to spend time with the deceased. and they end up not remembering much. it's a waste, really. then, they wish taht they could say hi to that person again. or give that person a hug. or simply, just see their face again. my younger cousins have never met my dad. and some of them just figure that i don't have a dad.

i find that sadder than everything else.

2005-03-25T22:07:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i just came back from my aunt's place. spent the whole day there being bored and missing my comp. haiz...i think i'm getting attached to it. or am i already attached to it? anyway, throughout the day, we kept going into the kitchen and eating cos it was an open house, thus there were LOTS of delicious food. hahah...i feel fat now. but i don't care, cos i also feel contented.

i have this seven-year-old cousin whom i absolutely hate. he is an only child and to make matters worse, he thinks that he is so damn smart. i hate kids like that. you know, those annoying little pests who talk so big like they know so much and own the world. whenever i see him, i get pissed off. i don't even know why i get pissed off, i just do. it's like his presence triggers off my 'pissed off' sensors.

the main problem with him is that he is super competitive. we would all be playing a fun game and he would just somehow manage to turn it competitive. and when he wins, he gets all IN-YOUR-FACE which is so bloody annoying. so everytime i play a game with him, i adopt the mentality of a five-year-old. and i try my darndest to win just so that he wouldn't be able to rub it into our faces.

how sad.

and the thing is, i think i know why he pisses me off so much. he reminds me of me when i was that age. i keep telling myself that even if i was that annoying, i wasn't so bad. that i couldn't possibly be the little monster that he is. but i probably was. and i probably still have the mentality of a five-year-old.

i hate this! i hate how much of a bitch i was then and still am. i wonder why people even bother making friends with me. i'm a bitch. i have terrible mood swings. i am cranky probably half the time. i'm fat. i blend into the darkness. i'm selfish. so why? why do you people all even bother making friends with this lump trying to pass off as a person?!

i know that i am loyal, fiercely so. but is that really something that a friend needs to have? i'm blessed with great friends, but i can't seem to ever be good enough for them. i always feel as if i'm not good enough for them. to make matters worse, somebody has actually told me before that they're better than me. and that was from a someone whom i thought of as a good friend.

now, i'm over that first feeling of hurt and i'm not bearing any grudges. in fact if i wish that she would come back. but something like that is pretty traumatising, you know? i try to forget about it. but i can't seem to and it keeps coming back.

then, of course this train of thought brings me back to the question that has always been nagging at me.

if i die, will my friends care?

2005-03-25T21:50:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i just came home from my aunt's place. spent the whole day there. haiz...missed my comp terribly. i think i'm starting to be attached to it. or am i already? and the whole day we all just kept going into the kitchen and eating cos it was an open house so there was LOTS of food.

there is this seven-year-old cousin of mine that i absolutely hate. everytime i see him, i feel like strangling him and then throwing him off a building. he's that annoying. he's an only child, and as if that isn't bad enough, he thinks that he's so damn smart. he just pisses me off even when he's doing nothing but just standing there. i don't what it is about this kid that just makes my 'pissed off' sensors go off.

and thing is, he is super competitive. like, the moment you play a normal fun game with him and lose, he'll be all IN-YOUR-FACE. which immediately turns the game from fun to competitive. so whenever i'm playing a game with him, i get this insane urge to just beat him so that he wont get the chance to rub it it. i adopt the mentality of a five-year-old when i'm around him. which annoys me cos i know that i shouldn't be feeling this way.

i think i know why he pisses me off so much just by existing. he is exactly how i was at that age. eeee! and i keep telling myself that even if i was like that, i probably wasn't so bad...but, i probably was. i hate how much of a bitch i was then and still am. i still have the mentality of a five-year-old.

how sad.

sometimes i wonder if i'm a good friend. i know that i'm loyal, fiercely so. but is that something that is needed in a friend? i feel like i'm blessed with good friends but i'm not good enough for them. i always feel like i'm not good enough. what makes it worse is that someone has actually mentioned to me that they think that they're better than me. and that person was someone whom i thought was a good friend.

i know that it happened some time ago and i'm not bearing grudges. i would give anything to have her back. but, it's hard to just forget about something like that. it's....tramautising. and as much as i try to get it out of my head, i can't. it keeps coming back. i start wondering exactly what is my part with my friends?

and of course, this train of thought always brings me back to this one important question that has always nagged at me.

If i die, will people care?

2005-03-23T21:36:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

Time of your life

another turning point
a fork stuck in the road
time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go
so make the best of this test
and don't ask why
it's not a question
but a lesson learned in life

it's something unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the time of your life

so take the photographs
and still frames in your mind
hang it on a shelf of good health
and good time
tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial
for what it's worth
it was worth all the while
i hope you had the time of your life

now, that is what you call great lyrics. i was going to do this when everybody went off to their respective jcs after jae, but as it turns out, most of us ended right back at nanyang. so, i'm just gonna put this up anyway. to all of you who left your new-made friends from pae when you went off to your new jcs, i hope you had the time of your life

first day back as a permanent member of ny felt no different than any other day in school except that i spent most of the day surrounded by new people and not my friends. but it was a little weird to be walking into school alone, so luckily for me, i manage to find zu and hazri. it's just weird, that's all, to be walking into school on the first day alone. i always try not to do that.

my og, OG 4, was fun. or at least, okaylah. some people were fun, but of course there were the usual people who simply refused to be co-operative and try to make it fun. but, i missed by friends horribly. but nevermind...i can't wait for school to start for real. tired of this state of prepetual limbo.

it was funny when everybody went off for their subject combi talk, the five of us just somehow managed to find each other in the crowd and just walk off. we're starting to think alike. hehehe....

do you know what continually irks me?

the obscene number of andersonians in ny. i mean, seriously, it was practucally like being back at anderson. i just hated it. it's not like i want to go to a school where there's only me from my school. i don't mind havinga few others as company. but not this many! it's terrible! the whole point of jc was to start over and make new impressions and try to better the ugly side of you. but how do you do that when there are continually people who know your past history with you? i wanted to put secondary school behind me. i guess, i can't now.

damn.

there's going to be like a mini version of disco night tml. that will be fun this time around seeing as how i actually know people in ny. the first time was terrible cos the only people you knew were the ones in your og. where's the fun in that?

O2 is slowly becoming a waste of time. i think the teachers figured out that they no longer had an obligation to make orientation fun as we are basically stuck at ny. there's no way for us to appeal out. this is unlike o1, when they tried to make is as fun as possible so that we would all fall for the trick and come back.

i guess we did.

did you see my underwear?
no.
did you want to see my underwear? - spongebob squarepants

2005-03-21T21:20:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i just watched LOTR: FOTR on tv, and i have to say, I LOVE IT! hahaha..i know, i know...i have already watched it like ten thousand times and yet, everytime i watch it, it makes me think again. it's not just senseless entertainment, it's an education. and there are so many aspects to it that i love that i can never seem to get enough.

people always ask, which do you prefer? the movie or the book? that, in my opinion, is a rubbish question. you absolutely cannot look at the movie and the book as the same thing. it will be unfair to Peter Jackson. you see, Tolkien had the advantage of having thousands of pages at his disposal to describe in explicit deatil every little minute thing about every race and every location in middle earth. he could add in any event that he wanted to in the quest, no matter how insignificant it was to the whole thing.

but peter jackson had one 3 hour movie to capture everybody's attention and make them interested enough to actually come back next year to watch the next installment. a year is a very long time to wait, and some people could have lost interest by then. so can you imagine his task? to capture people's imaginations enough so that they are willing to wait 365 days for the next part. that in its own is a pretty major achievement.

furthermore, lotr:fotr isn't exactly the easiest book to condense into a movie. it is so rich in every aspect of character development, description of magical places and adventure that you end up having to cut out a lot from the book to make it more accesible to the public. have you ever read the book? it is a bitch, let me tell you that. it took me 2 tries and 6 months to get through the whole freaking thing. the book was virtually brimming with information and detail; so much so that i couldn't process it all. if not for the fact that i had seen the movie countless of times before, i wouldn't have understood much of the book. the movie condensed much of it so that our poor human brains could process it all, because if he had somehow managed to include everything that was in the book, we would have been overwhelmed by it all.

and peter jackson did me a BIG favour. it was because of the movie that i fell in love with lotr. i'm not ashamed to say that it was the movie that first made me fan. after the first movie came out, hundreds of people borrowed out LOTR from the public libraries. people became interested in a piece of literary classic that they would have otherwise overlook. including me.

you see all the reasons up there that i have given as to why it would be unfair to compare the movie to the book? i understand those reasons, heck, i pretty much came to the conclusion about them. and yet, sometimes, i cant help but compare the two. because as a fan, there are some things that jackson did that i do not agree with.

like the fact that he gave liv tyler so much movie time. i find totally absurd because tyler's character, arwen is only mentioned in the appendixes of the book. appendix! she wasn't even important enough to the story to me mentioned in the main book. so how could jackson have made her an almost important character?! it's not fair! and it really irks me that arwen is now actually put on the same level as eowyn, when in actual fact, eowyn should be put so much higher. but, that is just my opinion as a fan. and if i was thinking rationally, i would say that jackson made a wise choice, because he needed more prominant female roles in the movie and a basic love story. he couldn't possibly made Aragorn marry some unknown elf. so the solution was to create a bigger role for the elf. thus, came movie arwen. but i'm not thinking rationally.

so there.

and then, he had to mess with Faramir too. why do you toture me so, jackson? why couldn't you have just left my favourite characters alone? WHY?! the faramir in the movie and the faramir in the book are virtually two different characters. besides the fact that they have different hair colour, movie faramir is less the scholar and more the soldier than book faramir. book faramir would never have allowed his soldiers to toture gollum as movie faramir did in TTT.

but one of the things that i get most irritated about when it concerns faramir and eowyn is the little movie time that jackson gave them. this is unforgivable. and i know that a lot of people will back me up on this. one little scene! that was all he gave us! and even then it was in the extended! but we savoured it anyway, for it was more than what he gave us in the theatrical version, which was nothing.

one more thing. did anyone dislike boromir in the first movie? jackson potrayed him very badly. he made poor boromir seem like some evil man who was simply after the ring. what he didn't show was the man who had fought many many battles for his people and simply wanted the best for them. he didn't show the man who wanted to save his people and simply saw the ring as a way to do that. he din't show the man who would become steward one day after his father and was feeling the immense pressure on him. he didn't show the man who was protective of his brother, faramir. all that depth was cut out from the movie!

okay. moving on.

for me, lotr is actually made up of 3 parts: the book, the movie and the fanfiction community. for most people, it would only be the first two, but for me, the third part plays a big role too. even though most of us have never met each other, we all know that we share a common love. and even in the community, it is divided some more into the different races. the hobbits, the elves and the men. i belong to the hobbit and sometimes the men catagory.

and these fanfic writers are simply some of the best writers that i have ever encountered. even better than the real writers who have their work published. i know that there are people out there who feel that fanfic writers have no creativity cos they are simply borrowing the characters and plots from tolkien, but that is untrue. we have our own plot. we see the same scenes that most of you have seen from different angles and pursue it. we may be unsatisfied with what tolkien or jackson have given us, and write what we think should be there instead.

even fanfics have their own rules. mary-sues are these 'characters' that drop out of the sky when the so called writer puts herself as the main character. this is rubbish. sometimes, people add a new member to the fellowship. this is rubbish. other times, they make certain elvish members of the fellowship fall in love with them. this is also rubbish. these people do not know the very basics of writing, like paragraphs. let me tell you, the moment you see a fanfic with no paragraphs, don't bother reading it. it's not worth it. spelling and grammar errors can be found everywhere. now, these errors are okay in blog entries, but NOT IN FANFICTION!!!

good fics are what happen when the writer actually manages to put his/her style into an original plot and remains canon to the book. canon meaning that the characters are behaving just as how tolkien would have written them. like frodo running around dancing like a maniac is NOT canon. frodo sitting at home reading is most definitely is. like legolas proclaiming his love for an elf maiden that just somehow appears is not canon. it is actually hard to remain canon and true to the book, but that is what good writers do.

now, i think i've gone on for quite some time about lotr. let me leave you with some pics. :)

even the smallest person can change the course of history

2005-03-16T09:46:00.001+08:00

hey, it's me.

my butt hurts. haiz...i was expecting this. went to the beach yesterday and cycled around for an hour. so obviously, my butt would hurt. why is always that all the aches would come only the day after but not on the day itself? just a random question that i had in mind.

so anyway, beach yesterday=fun. hehehe...but i shall not elaborate. you don't really need to know what i did the whole day.

mom wasn't too happy about me reaching home at 10. but, hey! deal with it! i'm growing.

before i forget : I HATE HAZRI

eeeee! i get so envious of him when he talks about his drama audition the day before. stupid bugger will probably make it in and he made it sound so much fun! eeeee! i miss drama so effing much. it's been ages since i did some real drama.

I WANT MY ATC!!!!! wahh!!! ny's drama is okay, i guess. i don't know them quite well. but i don't get a good feeling from it. and i don't feel as if it's a real drama. i don't know...maybe my 3 years at ATC has spoiled me a bit. i guess. i mean, we did a lot of really great stuffs. the SYF, overseas trip, public performance at Esplanade. haiz...i can't help wishing that i could go back to those times. met yu ran the other day. then just as i was hugging him, i realised how much i missed the whole gang.

yah, i miss my clasmates and all too, but missing drama is a totally different thing. for years, that was all i thought of. it was all so much fun. bitching to each other on the way home. actually setting a time and place to go bitch. hehehe...crashing each other's rooms at Adelaide. Adelaide really brought us all together, and then the public performance. i keep remembering things like when the boys flushed down patsa down the toilet bowl in their room. i see tammi in sec 2 at the camp, when the ladder fell on her and i put the plaster straight across her nose. sulas as our stage manager last year. vanessa when she suddenly appeared with juicy-juicy mangoes. hehehe....and so much more! to go into everyone would take me forever.

okay, why not?! since there are so few of us anyway. desmond in syf, when he was so sure that he had messed it up, when he didn't. yazid pretending to be asleep at the hotel room, but actually listening into us playing truth or dare. allan ..hahaha...running away from that girl in Marryatville. wei qi looking do damned elegant at our grad ball. faz with her superb performance as old woman. marion. seriously, without her, our drama life would have been boring. hehehe...

can you believe, that is us. and we did a hell of a good job. enough of the past. i should move on now.

2005-03-13T21:37:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i am exhausted. but in a good sort of way. like i accomplished a lot. which in a way, i guess i did. hehehe...i went out today. wee! had fun.

remember what i said a few posts ago? about how i hate shopping cos i never know what to buy or where to go? or that i never seem to have any money to buy what i wanted?

well, i changed my mind.

hahaha...went shopping with my mom today. this is always a good thing, cos it means that i have money. or at least she has money, and i just whine until i get her to get me what i want. hehehe...though today, i didn't have to do much whining cos she pretty much was in a good mood and kept asking me if i wanted this or that. awww...i love my mom! and even though i am going out with my mom, people don't normally think that she's my mom, seeing as how she looks so young and all that. that's the advantage to having so a young mother.

so today, we went : yishun --> bishan (J8) --> town (Far East Plaza) --> geylang (Tanjung Katong Complex) --> back home we spent a lot, we walked a lot, we ate a lot. in other words, it was bonding time with my mom. hahaha..but this is what i love most about us.

purchases for the day:

white top (me) black top (mom)
blue sandals (me) brown sandals (mom)
two pairs of socks (me) some perfume (mom)
green day cd (me)

hahhaa...that is a lot of things.

shopping therapy; the best of them all. except of course, if you count chocolate.

2005-03-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

me and nadiah! in the mrt...being the bored girls that we are and the camera whores that we are slowly turning into...hehehe...

2005-03-12T21:50:00.001+08:00

hey, it's me.

nice day today. i'm feeling quite happy. :)

met up with nadiah after my pre-u seminar meeting and off we went for a girls afternoon out! so fun! i haven't met up with my darlin' cousin for so long and i missed her! aww....hehehe...me talking rubbish right now. we walked around the esplanade area...had ice-cream...talked about girl stuff...caught up.

as usual, we end up talking about how weird the rest of our cousins are. hehehe...seriously. i didn't know that two of my cousins actually bond over techno ringtones. eeeee! oh my god. i would have been happier not knowing that. haiz...

nothing much actually...just wanted to say that i went out with my younger cousin. who is not really that much younger than me, only by like 4 months. so it doesn't really count.

But it's not hygienic! - nadiah on my suggestion that we buy the $1 ice-cream

2005-03-12T21:50:00.000+08:00

2005-03-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me

i think that it's about time i address this issue and lay it to rest once and for all. it seems as if every argument that i make is not being heard properly. everytime i try to justify my reasons, you guys just seem to refuse to listen. so listen now! cos, let me tell you, i am seriously getting sick and tired of you people bringing this up.

most of you already know this, and some of you have just learned this fact; my mom is the one thing that i treasure most in the world. so, i believe that i have the right to be extra protective of her. it is my right. and i choose to exercise this right.

i am an only child. we, me included, exhibit certain common qualities like being rather selfish and unwilling to share. especially the 'unwilling to share' part. being an only child, i am not accustomed to having to share, so i do tend to be selfish. but that is just an excuse and circumstances does not make the person. over the years, as i slowly became less thick-headed, i have learned to share. (people, be thankful to faz. she had to put up with the worsts of me for 9 years!). but the one thing that i still have not learned to share and i don't think i will be learning how to anytime soon, is my mom.

add to the fact that besides being an only child, i also come from a single parent family. can you imagine now, how protective and selfish i can be when it comes to her? so obviously, when it comes to her having a 'guy friend', i am dead set against it.

part of the reason why i don't want her to get into a relationship again because i don't want to see her hurt. i mean, who wants to see their mom get hurt by an insensitive jerk right? i have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. i am terrible when it comes to dealing with all this heavy emotional stuff. terrible i tell you. look at me! i am a mess! i can't even handle my own emotional baggage, much less somebody's elses.

i'm digressing.

she's been through enough. seriously. my dad put her through a lot of crap and left her to fend for a young daughter at a very young age. my mom was barely into the thirties, an age when most women nowadays are just thinking of getting married, when she already had to deal with raising an eight-year-old daughter alone. that was a lot of responsibility. and she did a hell of a good job.

all this crap. and all i want now, is for her to be happy. i don't want her to try out another relationship and get burned in the process. not to her. she affects me in ways that i can't even begin to comprehend. and one more major screw-up may be all it takes to get pushed over the edge.

anyway, we're both doing so well, so why do we need a man? i've survived for half my life without having a dominant male figure and though i did turn out a bit ... um, unbalanced, i am still okay, what.

thing is, while i would like to say that those were the two main reasons of me so adamantly against her getting a guy, it isn't. it is all just part of the package. but the main reason is, i'm just scared of loosing her.

her getting into a relationship, would mean me getting to spend less time with her. it would mean me no longer being the first priority anymore. it would mean me not being able to do some things anymore with her.

i mean, if my mom was to really get re-married, i wouldn't be able to just camp over in her room, now would it? if i was to wake up scared at night, i wouldn't be able to crawl into bed with her. i wouldn't be able to just lie down and read with her next to me. there are so many things that we do right now, that would not be possible again if i were to get a new 'daddy'.

i pretty much can not ever remember living with a complete set of parents. and i am pretty much happy not remembering. life's good now. so why would i want to change it?

so far, in the nine years that has passed, there were one or two guys who tried to wormed their way in. it was funny in a way that they both knew that they had to pass my judgement. here are adults who knew that this teenage girl was constantly watching over them. ever watchful. constant vigilance. cos after all, if you want to win her heart, you gotta win the daughter's heart.

thing is, i know that she is still young and may actually want to find another husband. no matter how much that thought both disgusts and scares me, i have to accept it. however, it doesn't mean that i have to like it. i don't and i wont. i'm being stubbern on this matter so please, don't even try to convince me otherwise.

but i dunno. maybe now, i feel this way. but maybe, in the future, if she does really meet a guy that makes her want to try again, maybe i will reconsider. cos, she's my mom and i can't be selfish forever. i have to let her go someday, right? but for now, i will just enjoy having her all to myself.

2005-03-10T17:21:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i feel fat.

this is usually not a good sign. you see, one can be fat but not feel it. however, the moment somebody feels fat, their self-esteem just plunges down to a state of dis-repair. and that is where my self-esteem currently resides. haiz...

i wonder if you ever did realise the difference in the two states. there is a big difference and that difference can mean a lot of things. for example, on a day when i don't feel fat, i generally feel content and happy. i actually eat normally. i am not afraid of doing anything or meeting new people. i do not go around avoiding mirrors.

however, on a day like today, when i do feel fat, i feel horrible. mirrors become my worse enemy. i eat a lot of unhealthy food when i should really be avoiding them, because hey! since i am already fat, why not just continue on eating? there's nothing to be done anyway. on these days, i tend to hate myself and everything about me. i get paranoid. in my mind, everybody i meet, will just take one look and laugh in my face.

do you see now the unhealthy state of mind one is in when they feel fat?

the thing is, it's usually not just the over-weight people who feel like this. sometimes, even people of acceptable weight have this sort of mindset. but i just don't get them. why do they feel like this?

but do you know what the worse thing is?

it's when you've been in that low self-esteem state for the most part of your life. it's when you take one look at yourself in the mirror and immediately think 'god, i'm ugly'. that's the worse thing that can happen to anybody. do correct me if i'm wrong, but doesn't everybody go through that kind of stage when they just hate themselves? when they can't even find one tiny little bit of themselves that they like?

it takes a lot of energy and work to get out from that cycle. it also takes a lot to please the mirror. and sometimes we just can't be bothered to put in that energy, cos after all, who will be there to actually appreciate our efforts?

so sometimes, what i do, is to totally avoid mirrors and weighing machines all together. they are evil inventions and my life would be so much better without them.

it just sucks that the world we live in is so into beautiful people, doesn't it?

2005-03-09T17:55:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i feel...out of sorts. and discontent. and slightly unhappy. though for the life of me, i do not know why i am feeling this way. can some kind soul point out the reason to me?

and why won't the doodle board work? i am frustrated. and i am sick. my body feels hot and cold at the same time. i have a headache. and my hip bone hurts. that last injury had no connection what-so-ever to the fact that i may be coming down with a fever. god knows how i injured my hip bone. could it be this morning when in my hurry to get to school, i slammed it against the table?

i wanna go check if there's a bruise. i hope there is. then i can play the sympathy card with my mom. i wish she didn't have school. hmm..maybe i can get her to not go to work tomorrow so that we can hang.

good. at least that's a plan.

2005-03-06T21:37:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i was watching moulin rouge and suddenly felt like writting a sort of review for it. not really a review, cos i don't think it counts as a review. just a piece of writing showing what i feel about it, aight?

MOULIN ROUGE

Spectacular, spectacular indeed!

Never before has such an odd mix of whimsical characters, light-hearted manic fun and the tried-and-tested formula of star-crossed lovers work so well. And not since the West Side Story have we seen a musical that is not only worth of Oscar mention, but also of frequent screenings. Certainly for me, Moulin Rouge has yet to lose it's charm even after watching it countless of times, and after 5 years, the dialogue is as familiar to me as my own piece of writing.

So exactly what is it about Moulin Rouge that has won my heart so thoroughly that not even hobbits and elves can overcome?

Set in 1900 Paris, Moulin Rouge tells the tale of a young English writer, Christian, played by Ewan McGregor, and the sparkling diamond, Satine, potrayed by the beautiful and ever versatile Nicole Kidman. Moulin Rouge is a true testimony of how life and art imitates one another, and how the most pure artistic genius stem from the most painful of experiences.

While this movie doesn't boast a very original theme of love triangles, it does wow the audience with the magical presentation of such a simple storyline. Vibrant colours and breath taking cinematography take centre stage here, giving it an almost fantasy-like feeling. Whereas later on, as darker themes take hold, director Baz Luhrmann is not afraid of using grey tones and haunting music to express the raw pain of the characters such that even as the audience, one cannot help but feel for them.

Besides the fantastic, award winning soundtrack, credit must be given to the two leads. Kidman, at that time fresh out of her marriage, was absolutely perfect as the jaded prostitute who is not allowed to love and doesn't believe in it anymore. McGregor gave a superb performance as the naive young man who has fallen in love with her and must now deal with his insecurities.

To tell any more would be to reveal the whole story. But as the story ends, be surprised if you still remain untouched by the amount of heart that has been put into this movie. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll even be shocked, but above all else, you'll be entertained.

A word of wisdom before i leave: The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return

how? hehehhe..i had fun doing that though i was a little biase. obvious right?

...i long for it with every fibre in my being....

2005-03-06T16:19:00.000+08:00

aww...weren't we just the cutest thing then? hahaha...now, we're all a bunch of devils...

Photobucket

2005-03-06T15:43:00.000+08:00

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

2005-03-06T00:16:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

what an interesting dinner.

i mean seriously. my cousin treated us all to Sakura as a sort of birthday/coming-of-age thing. food was delicious. yum! and my other cousins were quite fun lah. but the most interesting thing was when my uncle turned up, along with his two children, stoned. yes, he turned up at a public place for a nice family dinner with his two young impressionable children, stoned. haiz...could practically smelled it in his breath every time he talked, or should i say, slurred.

whatever, dude.

i am so horribly detached from the things in my life that matter that it is actually scary. i talk about life-altering moments and events like i talk about the weather. it's unhealthy. but i can't seem to stop. and while i am talking about them, i seem incaple of making eye-contact. i just can't. i avoid eye-contact in those moments. god knows why.

maybe deep inside, i am a screwed up person. wouldn't that be nice? hehehe....

Because that's what poeple do. They take a leap. And they hope to god that they fly.

2005-03-04T23:45:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i feel sick. not those flu or fever kind of sick, but sick to my stomach sick. damn sick of this all. i'm sick of always having to be responsible. i'm sick of always having to think of her. i am just so freakin' sick of this life.

wish i could say goodbye to it.

2005-03-03T16:18:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

if you feel that you are fucked up, please raise your hand.

*raises both hands and start waving them about like a maniac*

what? i can't possibly be the only one, right? i'm sure that out there, there are many many more poeple who feel that they are as fucked up, or even more fucked up then me. it's a nice feeling, ain't it? to know that even if you are a fucked up person, you are hardly the only one. makes me feel all warm and cuddly. ahhh...a sense of belonging and camaraderie. there's nothing like it, let me tell you. after all, isn't that what we all want?

individuality and all that jazz about not conforming can go sod off. yes, we all would like to retain a piece of individuality. i mean, how fun would it be if every single person on this earth is the same? it won't. god obviously made us all different for a purpose. imagine if everybody wore the same clothes, the exact same way. if everybody had the same hair colour and the same hairstyle. if everybody looked the same. if everybody thought the same way.

creepy, ain't it? but isn't that what we have all been doing? we try to be 'different' by being goth or by being punk or a rocker. we end up catagorising ourselves to be different. i just get so confused when it comes to those people. exactly how are you being different by conforming yourself into one particular type of catagory? then, you'll just end up like everybody else who has decided that it's 'different' or 'cool' to be goth or punk or whatever.

the dumbest people are the ones who only listens to one kind of music. and wear only a particular type of clothes. and only talk in one particular way. that is just soooo....what?! why would you want to restrict yourself just to be a certain way. it doesn't make sense. none of it makes any sense. why can't you just be a normal person who is a mix of anything and everything? what's so wrong with that? seriously, i think this whole business is just plain dumb.

but that's just my opinion.

why do we do this? we assert our individuality by conforming so that we can find other people like us. nobody wants to be totally alone in the world. then, what would be the point in living?

i have no idea if you guys even get what i have been trying to say for the past few paragraphs. i tend to confuse myself, i know. it's a weakness. hehehe...but that was a fun discussion with myself since there's no one else to have a discussion with.

anyway, i just came back from my Pre-U Seminar interview. it went...okay, i think. they asked me questions, i answered the questions. tried to look happy and cheerfula nd all enthusiastic, though i am pissed off that i had to wait 3 hours for a damn interview that took less than 15 minutes. haiz...

the stupidest thing was when they asked me what my strengths and weaknesses are. huh...okay...exactly how am i supposed to tell the people that are interviewing me that my strength is that i have an incredible talent when it comes to crapping and sucking up to teachers? you don't. there are just some things that you don't ever say during interviews, and that is one of them. and obviously for weaknesses, i said that i was 'prone to mood swings'. very prone indeed.

you know, i was thinking that maybe the next time someone asks me to describe myself, i would just say 'i am an only child living in a single parent environment. i wonder if that would explain my weirdness. but isn't a wonder then that i am still quite normal? must have been a miracle that i didn't turn out to be a paranoid/neurotic/psychotic little person.

i must go now and thank god for that miracle.

2005-03-01T20:01:00.000+08:00

hey, it'e me.

should i stay? or should i leave?

i wish i knew the answer to that question.

should i choose to explore the vast unknown out there? or should i just stay where i know i'm safe?

and i know have a splitting headache to aid me in my decision process.

good luck to me.

2005-02-28T20:57:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i feel so anti-climatic. like this is what i have been working for for the past few months and it was over in less than 2 hours. how bloody unfair is that? my entire future and what is to beome of me was plainly written in a piece of paper. that's it. makes me feel as if i've worked so hard all this time for nothing.

but i'm glad that i have now managed to get through another year without disappointing my mom. that was my fear. not that i will be disappointed, but she will. i feel bad for all the worrying that i put her through duirng all my tests which i failed and my prep prelims that i did horribly for. thankful that she never did scold me for that or nagged at me. so, i'm happy that she's proud of me. yay!

it seems as if i am useful after all...

2005-02-27T23:01:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

what is this? pick on nadz day or something?

the whole time i was with faz, zu and nad, i kept getting picked on and teased. eee! hahaha...but i had fun today hanging out with them all after the play. we were all just basically talking crap and laughing our asses off while doing so. it made me realise just how much i missed that. i can be totally myself around them all, especially faz, and not be judged or looked at weirdly.

i mean, i can do that with the ny people too, but there is a certain sense of comfortable-ness that i have around them that can only come about after a long time and all the crap they've seen me in. c'mon lah...there's only a certain amount of dignity that i can have left after they've seen me fly out of doors, cry at the top of a flying fox and dance around in chinese opera make-up.

it's weird how i don't seem to realise just how much i miss faz and izzah until i'm hanging out with them. then, i get it. and i start wishing for simpler times. when the three of us could just crash my house after school and slack. or start singing horribly at the top of our lungs and disturbing my neighbours. or thinking up of new stupid dance steps to match our horrendous singing. they were the fun times. hahahaha....

enough of the reminiscing. now is the time to look forward. and to tomorrow...

YJ's play was...okay at best. they performed Antony and Cleopatra in some kind of shakesperean language that i onbviously could not understand. i dunno...for me, unless you are damn sure that your voice projection and articulation is damn good, don't even think of trying to do a shakespeare play. the audience will just be lost and not get you at all. the last time i watched a shakespeare play was by VJ, A midsummer night's dream two year ago and it wasn't great. i was lost too. and a little disappointed.

even though yj had mikes, their voice projection was pretty bad and the words were muffled. i had to really pay attention and work just to understand half of what was going on and that just turned me off. the moemnt you make your audience work, you're no longer succesful. i was lost after the first five minutes and after that my mind just drifted away till some interesting parts called me back.

i am ashamed to say that we left during the interval. sorry. couldn't take it anymore.

now let me rant.

i find it absolutely unfair that i feel obligated to acknowledge you as family when you don't even bother to acknowledge me as someone who is worth knowing. why should i be reminded of events and occasions that are important to you, but you should not even bother to remember the one measly day that means the most to me. it's unfair and it hurts. so please stop it.

and you. fuck you. even though you are my elder and i should respect you, i wont. cos you don't even deserve an ounce of it. i used to love and respect you a lot. but i guess that was the past right? and now is the present. the one time when we could have used your help the most, you ended up making the situation worse. you left us in a rut and i hate you for it. i hate you for the long years after that you just deserted us. i hate you for taking away everything that we had of him and leaving us with nothing. i know that you're just waiting for either of us to die so that you can get our money. i don't care if you do. cos you'll go to hell for it and i hope you do. so now, even when you're back, you refuse to acknowledge the fact that i'm his daughter. that i'm a legitimate part of the family. that i'm your niece. that i am your responsibility, you bastard. I AM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! not that you give a shit or even care. in a way, i'm glad that you are now so distant from me. so that i wont be influenced by you and your fucked u- life. hopefully, my life wont end up as screwed up as yours is.

i'm still fucking pissed. but there's nothing that i can do about it. so fuck it.

2005-02-26T22:34:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

okay, this will be a loooong entry cos it's been a relatively busy and eventful week, yet i have only blogged once. shame on me. hahaha...

this past week has just been full of birthdays. it's terrible! which means that i have been in a prepetual state of bankruptcy for the whole seven days. haiz...but at least it means that everybody is pretty much happy which is good. it is always good when people are happy. so...without further ado, (drumroll....)

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY NANO!

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY HAZRI!

and hell, since i'm doing this already, let's just add this last one...

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY SEAN ASTIN!

hehehe....how can i forget him? such a good actor. such a good hobbit. i can't imagine anyone else playing the role of Samwise Gamgee after him. that was perfectly casted, just as almost all of the other characters from LOTR was. i shall stop now, before i start rambling about lotr again and can't stop.

okay...i can't seem to make myself say more about the birthdays. moving on to other topics....

today was a damn tiring day. haiz...we had GPA today, and as the bloody organisers, we had to come to school super early for god knows what reason. i reached school at 8. stupid lah...who goes to school at 8 on a saturday?! it's just so wrong and obscene. we were supposed to spend most of the time practicing dikir, but we ended up playing bluff and taiti a lot. quite fun actually. and still got time to sleep and slack and go to Macs to eat and walk around school...how damn slack.

so dikir was not too bad. in fact, the audience actually seemed to enjoy it. i dunno why...but that's the good thing about having a malay-dominated audience, they'll tend to be very noisy and responsive. luckily our audience today was also very nice. yay! hehehe...they liked it, we liked it. even though we screwed up at some parts. i was watching the recording later on, and we were even in sync at some parts. not bad for a dikir group that only had about 2/3 weeks of practice.

DIKIR ROCKS!!!!

hahaha....couldn't help but put that it.

it's weird actually. after being in NY for 2 months, i feel like i've becomed more cina, yet, i also feel more malay. but how is that possible? with the school culture, it's hard not to be a little influenced and turn a bit cina, but the people that i hang with, ground me into the malay-ness. did you understand that? sorry, but i'm just too lazy to re-phrase it.

i was pleased with dikir. and it was a good experience to help us bond with each other. just like in sec 2. i wonder if the andersonions noticed that we took some of the their actions? hehehe....and some from RI and some more Cedar too...a lot copied. nvm...dikir actions tend to get circulated round and round. sooner or later, it will come back to you. when the first row walked out at the end of the performance, we were all screaming and so bloody hyper! hahaha...i started running around like a mad idiot.

and i'm glad that them idiots ended up being very useful. i guess they're not that idiotic after all.

but sadly, Anderson didn't make it to the finals. DAMN IT!!!! and to make it all the more frustrating, TKGS did. EEEE!!!! sense my disgust over the cyber space. can you sense it? i'm sure you can. EEE!!! cedar would have been preferable. actually, any school would have been preferable to the kataks. haiz...what to do? nvm, anderson will do better next year, okay?

it was funny at one part, cos izzah started crying, which made me cry and then Faz started crying also. so, there we were, 3 girls from different schools, standing in the middle of the lt, hugging each other and crying. hahaha....what a sight! but cheer up, okay izzah? heads up, aight?

congrats to TPJC for making it! go faz! even though i didn't get to watch it. so sorry....

what else?

hmm...oh yah. and then on the way home at night, the 6 of us, me, Zu, Nadia, Siti, Liyana and Hazri just suddenly sprawled on the track. hahaha...imran and idzham were staring at us like we had suddenly sprouted another head or something. but it was soooo fun! just laid down there, stared up at the sky with the lightning flashing and being crazy.

then i started doing cartwheels. apparently, i can do about 4 or 5 at one go before it gets too dizzy for me. imagine if i had fallen and injured myself. 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL DEAD AFTER BREAKING HER NECK WHILE CARTWHEELING. what a stupid way to die...haiz....but luckily that didn't really happen. thank god. i would just have been to ashamed to show my face if that happens.

i'm going to miss them all. 8 thing-a-mes or something like that. hehehe...what a name! we have so much fun together. and it's amazing how we all managed to click so well when we're virtually very different people. i guess, opposites really do attract. school and dikir would have been so boring without them.

as you can see, i have gone on and on for some time now, and i have yet to mention the R word. that's because i refuse to. everyone has been talking about it, so i refuse to. anyway, i'm sick of that topic. let's move on shall we?

you know what i'm looking forward to? spending tuesday hanging at zu's place with the ny people either celebrating or wallowing in our misery together and eating lots of unhealthy junk food. that's all that's keeping me from finding a building to jump off from.

...exercising the right not to...

2005-02-23T17:25:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

I AM AN INCOMPETENT SHOPPER!!!

eeee!!!! ugh! bleagh! *screams like the mad idiot that i really am*

there. i HATE shopping! i suck at it, therefore, i hate it. i rarely have any money to go shopping, therefore, i hate it. i never know what to buy, therefore, i hate it. can you tell by now just how much i hate this activity?!

my experience today has confirmed my belief that shopping is an activity that should only be done when (a) you have an endless supply of cash or (b) you are with someone who has an endless supply of cash. since i had neither of those two when i went out, i was ultimately doomed from the very beginning. add that to the fact that i am an incompetent moron when it comes to shopping, and you have a very harried nadz not knowing what to do, what to buy or where to go.

eee! as compensation to myself for that horrid, horrid few hours, i am now stuffing myself with food. which totally goes against me trying to cut down on eating. nevermindlah...i am depress and i need food. waaa!!!!

but i survived that ordeal. just as i survived GP tutorial just now and just as how i had survived three years with asnah. I"M A SURVIVOR!!!! weee!!!!

i think i've gone a little mad. pardon me while i try to find my sanity...*grins widely as she stumbles off in search for her brain*

...am i demented or am i just disturbed?...

2005-02-20T14:38:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i woke up today with a great sense of purpose knowing that i had a lot of things to do. but somehow, as the day progressed, i lost that sense of purpose. and my mood has plunged from good to bad. from feeling peaceful and relaxed, i now have a splitting headache that i know will not do me a favour by just fading away.

haiz....how did things get to such a state?

maybe it was when i fell asleep on the sofa while reading and was woken up abruptly by an unfriendly looking nyonya at my front gate asking me something about some newspaper. god knows what in the world she was talking about. she was asking for my mom, and when i told her that my mom wasn't home, she started mumbling incoherently and scolding. what in the world?! i don't know you woman! and you just woke me up from my nice, nice nap! thank you for ruining my day!

or maybe it was when i woke up to discover an sms from zu reminding me about the play on Tuesday. bloody hell. what a mess that is. we're to perform in a matter of two days, and we have yet to have a rehearsel. i'm sure that i have just spelt that last word wrongly, but i cannot for the life of me make myself care. see how well prepared we are? damn. and zu is even more stressed than i am.

or maybe it was when my specks fell apart. again. now, not only do i feel impoverished, but i also look dumb as i walk around with a roll of tape hanging off my face. that is the cause of my headache is that stupid roll of tape is in my line of vision. and is annoying the hell out of me. i'm going to get cross-eyed soon i tell you.

or maybe because i have now been reminded of the number of things that has to be done and is yet to be done. damn.

i am so fucking screwed up that i don't even know where to begin.

... towards attempting to become a well-adjusted unfucked-up human being...

2005-02-19T21:56:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

it's my birthday today and i didn't even know. 9 Muharram. so yay for me! hehehe...if only we celebrated our birthdays according to the Muslim Calender. but really, why don't we?

so yah...my birthday, and there is still violence going on the world. especially in the middle east. i don't get it. they are supposed to be the most religious people simply because of their close proximity with the holy land, and yet, these are the people who cause harm and death to each other. why?

i can just roll over dead laughing about the irony of it.

2005-02-19T19:16:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i was going to write about dikir today, but then, i just felt out of mood to do it. so whatever.

it's coming soon. friday in fact. which means that in about 6 more days, i will finally know how screwed i am. thank god. i can't wait for it to be over and done with. my life for the past 3 months has just been in a state of limbo with nothing confirmed and nothing permanent. i'm sick of it. it was fun for the first few weeks, but now, i just want things to get on as per normal. i want the past to stay in the past where it belongs. and i want the future to quickly come around. that's it.

i'm tired of thinking about things changing all over again in a matter of days. i'm just so sick of it that i want to puke. i want my results, and if possible, i want it now. i have reached that stage where i don't give a fuck if i do well or badly. if i do well, i'll give thanks to god and move on. if i do badly, i'll cry, know that it's my own freaking fault and move on.

so whatever.

on a lighter note, i've alawys realised that i am incredibly lucky when it comes to friends. most people in my position talk about being teased and taunted for being fat and all that. they whine about not having any friends and feeling so alone. yet, somehow, i seem to not really have a problem with finding people that are not too embarassed to be seen with me. i wonder why? i mean, yeah, i've been teased and made fun of and called names. but i've always had a bunch of people covering my back and sticking by me.

i'm just incredibly lucky and blessed.

which just shows how dumb i can be when i complain about my life. yes, my dad is dead. but i have an incredible relationship with my mom. and she's the best mom that i can ask for. yes, i am way darker than i would rather be. but at least it means that i won't easily die to skin cancer. and i don't get sun burnt. yes, i am fat. but i am healthier than some of the people out there who are of acceptable weight. and hey, it probably means that i have a personality that people will remember. (fat girl syndrome)

so incredibly blessed and i don't even know it. how dumb.

2005-02-17T20:57:00.000+08:00

oh yah. and i forgot to add: i hate being dark.

2005-02-17T20:25:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

my fingers are cold and numb which means that i am typing this post slowly. add that to the snail-like pace that my brain works at after just waking up and you have something called nadz methodically trying to sort out all the jumbled words in her head so that they may seem coherent. i have no idea what i just wrote except that i like how it sounds. okay. let's keep that.

i only get to use the air-conditioning on certain and special occasions. which means that i have to ask my mom sweetly first if i may use it, then turn the whole house upside-down in search of the AAA batteries to operate the remote control. (yes arina, i do call it the picit-picit...) then, i have to switch it on, and then live in total silence for a few minutes while the machine kicks in and start circulating cold air. after which, i would snuggle under my blankets and sleep.

so today was a special occasion cos when i got home i got to sleep or napped with the aircon on. it has been unbearably hot these past few days and the whole time i was at ESCAPE earlier, all i wanted besides a cold, cold drink was an air-con room. haiz...only got that when i reached home. but still, my mom doesn't know that i used the aircon. forgot to ask first. nevermindlah...

so i switched the aircon on, switched on my computer, do the mandatory search for new updates amongst my friends while i wait for the room to get cold, and then snuggle in. then i slept. except, it took me some time to sleep cos i kept coughing and waking up to breathe. somehow i wasn't able to breathe lying down just now.

supposed to wake up at 7.15 so that i could still sleep at night, but then i ignored my alarm ... as usual. my poor alarm gets so much abuse from me. then my phone rang, so i had to wake up. so here i am.

anyway, my air-con is off now. the reson why my mom is so picky on not using the air-con much is because it uses up a lot of electricity which will then translate to high bills. which was why she got us both fans. but i don't mind. it's nice to have air-con sometimes as a bit of luxury. but i'm okay with my fan. we're friends.

so i guess, tonight, it will just be me and my fan.

2005-02-15T18:27:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i feel so loved. thank you. thank you. thanks to all of you! wee! as you all know, yesterday was Valentine's Day, so Happy (belated) Valentine's Day!. yay! hehehe....my class decided to get everybody a little something, so the whole day was just filled with chocolates, and gifts, and hugs, and lots and lots of love. it was just so festive. it was like everybody's birthday came on the same day, so everybody got to have a little love. i was nearing that stage of bankruptcy that has been familiar to me ever since i entered this world of teenagehood, so i just got little chocolate bars. sorry if that was a little unoriginal. but i am so proud of my envelopes and the graffiti-like thing that i made with their names. yay! though, even that wasn't original, since i stole that style from Faz. hehehe.... nevermind.

the nice thing about vday is that everybody gets a little something. you don't have to celebrate it with your boyfriends or girlfriends only. it's fun celebrating it amongst friends. and it's nice to know that people actually appreciate you and your friendship. though i guess you can say that ...

ahhh!!!! oh my god! hehehe...Power 98 is playing Wonderwall now. i haven't heard this song played on air for the longest time. hehehe....just thought that you would like to know that. great song, don't you think?

anyway...where was i? yes, vday can actually be a little hypocritical in a sense. i mean, during that day, everybody loves everybody else. even if you may hate that person's guts, you tend to be extra nice to them on that one day. i don't know. let's not spoil the nice warm fuzzy feeling, shall we?

oh hey, our class won the Valentine's Day Poetry/Drama thing. yay! hahaha...so funny, the judges actually said that it was obvious that '...a lot of effort was put into it.... yah...right. i mean, Hazri wrote the little poems and Moniza wrote the other part of our performance that we unfortunately didn't get to do due to time constraints (sorry people....). but we only practiced that thing the period before! 05A3A went for mass ponning! hahaha!

speaking of which, when was the last time i went for an Econs lecture? huh...i have no freaking idea. nevermind lah..i'll worry about that later.

haiz...i keep digressing.

oooh! did i tell you that i got a rose? a real red rose. hahaha...i'll let you ponder on that fact for a while.

so...what else? i have been drinking chocolate ice-blended a lot lately. which is good as it serves to keep me up on a good mood. but is also bad as it does nothing to help my sore throat and is just aggravating my cough that just refuses to go away. i started coughing a lot just now during GP and they all thought that it was because i disagreed violently to something that the speaker had said. which was dumb as i wasn't even paying attention. nice poeple. next time i start coughing and can't catch my breath, please do realise that it is not because of something that trivial, but because i am actually sick! thank you.

yay! Liyana will be performing tomorrow with haz for the friendship week thing-y. i hope me and zu can get away long enough and in time for the performance. i CANNOT miss it! liyana, you go girl! i have faith in you! hehehe....

speaking of performances, our lunchtime concert thing is coming up soon. next week actually. i must say that i am looking forward to it. i miss acting. haven't put all those skills to use for sucha long time and i'm afraid that i may be a mite rusty. but the script is great! to which, zu must get the majority of the credit. i helped with some lines and so on and some of the angst, but most of it came from zu. hazri helped too. so thanks, haz. if i've forgotten to say that. it will be great! yes. i must keep telling myself that. i am a little nervous, and i know that all the butterflies will come fluttering back come 22 February. it's a new crowd and all that. haiz...here's to a great performance and not screwing up.

well, this has been a rather long and weird entry.

people say that the right guy will come along. but i think mine got hit by the bus

2005-02-12T22:14:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

thank god for girlfriends. god made them for a very, very good reason and it so that they can cheer you up when you feel like hell. so that they can emphatise and symphatise with you when you talk about that person that makes your knees go weak and your heart thump. so taht they can crap with you when that is all you need. so that they can remind you of who you really are should you ever forget.

and besides your parents, a girlfriend or many many girlfriends is a must for every girl. they know just what to say to make life seem less bleak than it was before. they know just what to do to make you feel better and loved. they know you as well as you know them, soemtimes even better.

so let's all give thanks for girlfriends.

2005-02-12T19:26:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

...and my heart just stopped.

oh, dear god. not again.

2005-02-10T20:15:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

just two things first.1. guilt is one hell of a pain-in-the-ass feeling. 2. i feel torn in 3 places.

haiz...sometimes i wish that i wasn't so close to my mom. then, these sort of complications wont arise. but i'm thankful that my mom is also my friend. it's just that lately we haven't really been spending a lot of time together. it's hard. i reach home at 8 everyday with only about 3 hours to spend awake before i have to sleep. and i will only have about 2 hours or sometimes even less than that to spend with her for the day. sometimes, we're both so tired that we don't talk at all. i miss those times when we would just spend hours together talking or doing nothing or just reading.

but i guess, as i get older, things will definitely change. i used to be sort of girl that preferred staying at home to going out with her friends. i was that kind of person who rarely went out and even if i did, it would be with my mother. i used to hate staying out till late. of course, like most most mothers would, my mom was glad of that. which parent wouldn't be happy if their teenaged daughter preferred stating at home to hanging out with her friends? but now, i want to go out. i want to hang out in town or something like that. i would like to go home later than usual. and obviously, my mom is having a little trouble dealing with this change.

why? why is it so hard for her to understand that as i get older, i will simply want more freedom? damn, i hate how angsty and teenage-y that sounds, but it's true. i'm not asking for much, seriously, i'm not. i know my limits. i inform her of my where-abouts. she knows the names and numbers of most of my friends, even those that i have just made over the past month. i usually make sure i get home before she does on weekdays. i never get home late on weekends. so what is the problem?

she didn't want me to go out last tuesday or today for that matter. said that she hardly saw me anymore and we hardly spend any time together. 'family time'. family time my ass. i see her everyday! what more does she want?! and there is only so much that i can share with her right? i can't possibly tell her who my crush is. or how i feel about him and all that, though i suspect that she already knows who he is, being the shrewd woman that i know she is. i can't tell her how i want to spend as much time as possible in school just to avoid going home to an empty house. i can't tell her that i now actually look forward to school days and absolutely dread weekends, especially when i won't be going out.

and the thing is, my mom has this innate ability to make me feel so guilty by doing nothing. this is what happens when you are too close to your mother. i feel bad for not wanting to spend more time with her, i wish that i want to, but right now, i just need to surround myself with my peers. like today, she was terribly unwilling to let me leave the house, saying that i already spend way too much time with my friends and since this is a public holiday, i should spend it with her instead. she wouldn't have minded if it was a weekday, since she herself is busy then, but weekends need to be spent with each other. i ignored her. i went out. then, i felt guilty. but seriously, even if i had stayed at home with her, i would have spent the day in front of my comp.

aiyah! whatever lah! i just hope that this thing will solve itself out soon. it can't go on forever, right? we both may be incredibly busy with our respective works and schedules, but we need to make an effort to always spend time with each other. i mean, ultimately, she will always be my mom and i will always love her. no matter how much she gets on my nerves sometimes and how much i wish that she could be a just bit more relenting.

that's all. i just needed to get all that off my chest 'cos it has really been bugging me lately.

right. what's next? oh yeah, valentine's day is coming up. haiz...another year of spending it as a single. but nevermind. i must always look on the bright side and that is at least i have great friends to spend it with. who says that vday can only be shared amongst couples? NY will be doing Friendship Week i'm looking forward to it only because Hazri and Liyana will be performing that week. yay! seriously, you should all listen to Hazri sing 'Wonderwall. absolute heaven! he sounds ridiculously good and it can make any girl's heart melt. and Liyana! oh my god! now that is another person who is talented beyond measure. she will be singing 'Till i get over you' a version that is sure to make your hair stand.

okay, enough of that. i have to go now 'cos Hazri has been bugging me to play yahoo! games...haiz...what weird friends i have.

No. Your great-grand daughter just had to be a cross-dresser!

2005-02-05T17:54:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

yawn.. i am so sleepy. woke up really early today cos i had to help the debate society with their invatationals. i was so tempted to just say that i was sick and thus could not come. i had already typed the sms and was all ready to sent it...then i felt guilty. stupid guilty conscience. so i ended up going anyway. it was a little weird at first, cos i didn't really know anybody except for the drama seniors. and moniza of course. she looked weird in the NY uniform. anyway, it was a good time for me to get to know the people that i would be working with for the rest of the year (hopefully...) i got assigned as timekeeper to the debats involving JJC, ACJC and MI(B).

this is where i start ranting.

BOO ACJC! yes, i know that when we compare you to your opponents, it's pretty much a no-brainer as to who will win the debate, but couldn't you have at least shown some decency and not laugh at your opponents? it wasn't so bad during the ACJC VS. JJC debate, but their behaviour was shameful when they went up against MI(B). not only were the debaters chuckling, so were the reserves. i agree, that MI made it harder for themselves by narrowing the scope of their debate, but still, couldn't you have kept asemi-neutral look? i know that it was hard...i found it hard myself, but to laugh right in their faces was just terrible.

there...i'm done ranting.

the MI(B) VS. JJC debate was one of the weirdest that i have seen. both teams just went round and round their topic without really touching on it. so weird...and one of the JJC debaters wrote this on his notes, BE CALM...BE COMPOSED...so funny...but yeah, it had to be nerve-wrecking. i heard that NY won one and lost one. let's hope they make it through.

on to other news! i never knew that i had such a talented cousin! seriously. i knew that Alif played the guitar. heck! most boys at that age play the guitar, but he is seriously good. or at least in my opinion, which may be a little bias since this is my cousin. i was listening to him play yesterday, and i was just awed. this is the same 14/15-year-old kid that i used to babysit and played soccer with and basically got punished with..wow...and it wasn't even his guitar since he doesn't have one. he was playing Afraid to shoot strangers (or something like that...) by Iron Maiden.

do you know what is weird? thinking of my mom not as my mom but as a woman.

have a nice life. have a nice death. goodbye. - ghost

2005-02-04T20:20:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

hah...just came back from dikir practice. i'm tired and i have a headache, but i feel like we've accomplished something today. them idiots weren't at dikir prac today, which made it all the more better, as it means that we can actually work and use our brains. yes, as you can tell, i am not happy with them. but i shall refrain from ranting cos i have already done that; in my diary, to my mom, nadia and faz. and if i do any more ranting, my blood will start to boil, which i do not want to happen, as i am in a relatively good mood. there. hehehe....so anyway, hopefully dikir won't end up being a totally screw up and you people will get to see it during the saringan! yay! can't wait to see iz again.

poor faz! i called her today, while i was waiting for dikir to start, and i just started talking in totally disjointed words. i was ranting and talking really, really fast. then, i started crying. i don't know if i'm stressed, but i've just been highly emotional this week. terrible! so there i was, at the grandstand, yelling at my phone and talking super fast and basically not making much sense. thanks faz!

i'm just very frustrated about the whole drama thing. the J1s have an upcoming lunch time concert and we had two scripts to choose from. one was sing to the dawn and the other was this thing called no easy answers. i really didn't feel like doing sing to the dawn, so we chose the other one, which had at first seem better, but after a reading, turned out to be quite bad too. haiz...the script was just so bad, like really kiddie, primary school level. it had no depth, no nothing! so, me and zu thought of re-doing the thing...but it's so hard to the script! and no other drama person is helping us!!!! except hazri of course. thanks! there are only 6 of us, and to make matters worse, the rest are always busy. there's no help from them at all and we need the script my next week. sulas, if i never told you this before, thank you ever so much for all your fantastic scripts over the past few years. you are a damn talented girl! haiz....so stressed...but now, i've passed it over to zu..thanks, zu!

you do know that i am interested in joining council right? i need to see if i can handle people and organise stuff. but if i want to take council, i will have to drop drama. right now, i am very willing to do that. but the thing is, i have a higher chance of holding an important position in drama than in council. i dunno...i'm sick of drama. i miss my drama mamas and drama papas. the most talented bunch of people ever! i guess that i'll soon have to make a decision. on hindsight, i just wish that i hadn't sort of given my word to the drama senior. now, if i decide to quit drama, i'll feel guilty. i'll do what i have to and what i think is best for me.

mui! i can't sleep in tomorrow! i'm helping the debate people for their invitationals and have to be in school by 8. haiz...so early...and there's another gig tomorrow that i might or might not attend. and i've got wedding to go to on sunday! wee! free delicious food with good people! i'm tuition-ing my cousins during the weekend, but i'm always unable to make the saturdays. i should change the timing or something cos i want to go out with my friends, but yet, i don't want to shirk my responsibilties. wah! i sound so damn responsible! hehehe...

ape nak jadi, seh!

2005-02-01T20:09:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i am blogging, yet again. maybe this is to make up for all the times in the past when i didn't blog for two/three straight weeks or the future times when i would just be too lazy to do so.

i had a horrendous, horrendous day. terrible! this intense feeling of sadness came over me in Econs and just clung to me through out the the whole day. luckily it went away during lit. it's hard to explain. when everything just seemed bleak and i didn't see a point to what i had been doing these past few weeks. i'm getting too attached, i know. i want to stop, but how do i tell myself to do so when it's such a part of me to open up to people? i am not looking forward to six weeks down the road when the faces around me will no longer be familiar, but will be new again. that just sucks. haiz...

2005-01-31T21:19:00.000+08:00

hey it's me.

i am just in so much pain right now that not even carbonated drinks can help me anymore. at least it won't be so bad tomorrow. and the good thing about having really, really bad cramps is that it makes you lose your appetite and not want to eat at all. so the whole day, all i ate was my sardine sandwich and a couple of stolen fries. (and lots of coke, of course. though i prefer not to think about that...) i must say that i am proud of myself. and as my doctor says, "You have very un-healthy eating habits." yes, i do. and i'm proud of it. hehehe....

today started off okay-ly...then went bad...then went back up again. it ended as a great day. i am seriously enjoying the company i have at NY. not to make their already big egos, bigger, but the people i hang with are really great. which i am thankful for. and they're quite lucky too. i've been unusually social for these past few weeks and really trying not to show the ugly side of nadz. 'cos the ugly side of me, can be horrendously ugly. but still, i can't help this surreal feeling that still comes over me sometimes. like, i can't believe that i am actually in a jc hanging out with people that i have only known for about 3 weeks. i keep thinking that all this is just like a camp where you're having fun and you don't eant it to end, yet there will come a time when it has to end and i have to say goodbye to some of these great people. it's sad...i can't help wishing that i will get more time to get to know these people better before we all move on to our respective jcs. haiz...what is up with me? must be the empty stomach.

anyway, tomorrow will be a crappy day. there's PE a.k.a torture and then we have GP which i thought that i would like but am ending up hating cos of the stupid teacher. darn...and my group has to present! waah! i don't want! let's just hope i survive tomorrow.

Do you mean like chocolate balls?

2005-01-30T19:19:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i just spent the better half of the day re-doing my template (which is not really mine in the first place) and i'm still not quite satisfied with it. maybe i'll tweak it a bit more later on...or maybe i'll just leave it as it is.

what did i learn from my endeavors? that i am a clumsy person. seriously. i had to re-do some of the changes i made to the template 3 times! why? because i had accidentally clicked on the clear edits button. am i dumb, or what? haiz...then, as i was walking into the kitchen, i stubbed my toe against the door frame. i stood there for a full minute just screaming in pain as the blood dripped to the floor that i had pain stakingly moped this very same day. it was damn painful! even now, my toe is still throbbing. and i have no plaster. so now, i have to wait till my mom get's home from work, which will be around 8.30, before i can treat this thing. i just hope it doesn't get infected or anything like that. the whole nail just came off! and if that's not bad enough, i sliced my finger while cutting an apple. an apple! a beedin', soddin' apple! i won't even blame you if you think i'm like this totally dumb person after reading this. cos that is what i seem to me. haiz...

anyway, do you think my font is too small? or am i just slowly going blind? to add that to my list of injuries today. should i move the words to the side?

i'm hungry.

I like white better - Lotr (the book)(and i kid you not. gandalf was the one who actually said this)

2005-01-30T10:57:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

you have no idea how relieved i am right now. i'm an online freak. the first thing i do everyday is to switch on my comp and log in. i must go online. it's like i'm addicted to this thing or something...maybe i am...but somehow, for the past few days, this stupid machine in front of me wouldn't let me online. *grumbles* do you know how it feels? you're already seated in front of the comp, all geared up to go online and maybe do a little blog surfing or fanfic reading and then...nothing. yah. absolutely nothing! you can't log into your msn. you can't load any website. nothing! so, for that day, you are left with basically nothing to do and no way of contacting into the outside world. it's a terrible feeling! i was devastated! and i am not exaggerating here... i needed my fix. it was like, WAAH!!! and my little world came crashing down. anyway, luckily by some miracle, i managed to get this thing to work again and so, here i am! tada! hehehe...

i'm having a writer's block right now. the words just refuse to come to me. it's sad. and i have no idea when was the last time i wrote a poem. it's just been stories and fanfics and such...but i want to write a poem! Don't force it, nadz... haiz... i hate it when it comes down to this. it sucks...but nevermind, nothing wrong with writing a fanfic, or i could just stop writing for the moment and concentrate on reading. that might serve to bring my muse back.

ooh! did you know that on friday, there was this girl from 05A2 that vomited up blood? wonder what happened? i've always wanted to break an arm or a leg. no...i think breaking an arm would be better. it would just be too troublesome if i break my leg. i think it's cool. to have a cast and all that...and i've always wanted to have a nose bleed in the middle of a class. but then, my nose has only bled once, so i don't think that's likely to happen anytime soon. i am such a weird person....

so...yesterday...there was a 05A3A outing. we all just went to play pool at Lucky Plaza. i have played pool before, but only online and it's totally different playing it for real. and i suck! muahaha! one look at how i was holding the cue and you'll know that i'm a pool-virgin. i wanted to go bowling but nevermind...let's just add this to the list of first-times. and i think i'll just stick to a game i know from now on...like carrom. wah! i'm getting better at carrom! wee! of course it helps that i don't have Annas opposite me making me feel like an idiot. anyway, back to pool. it was weird for me going into the pool hall cos i really stood out. but i wasn't the only one. serene didn't look as if she belonged in such a place either. she has this whole nice girl look going on. got bored...and then went to arcade with her and hazri. played some games...met Faz...played racing with her...

okay, i'm getting bored of this...and i'm hungry! my mom's cooking jemput-jemput for breakfast and it's so yum! her's is always better and softer than mine....experience....

i'm too lazy to write abt the JamX thing....maybe some other time...

in other news, we're going to do Dikir Barat for GPA saringan. yay! i miss dikir...especially since i got some really good memories from that period of time when we were all practicing for the concert. haiz...sweet memories.

Do you read all these books?
No. I just keep them to impress my visitors. - Finding Forrester

2005-01-24T20:27:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

Weee! I'm happy! I'm happy! *dances around* I just came back from school, (well, not really from school since school ended at 12.10 today...) and finally managed to check the reviews that I got from my new fic, Seeing (stupid title? i think so too...) Yes, in case you are wondering, I am advertising it. GO CHECK IT OUT! Thank you. (It's under Stories of Arda which is on my links and sleepy_orange) Hehehe...Free advertisement. Anyway, the best thing was that one of the reviews that i got was from Shirebound, who i think is simply one of the best fanfic writers out there for LOTR. Hahaha....so happy about a compliment from someone i have never met before.

Hmm..i don't know if you've noticed it, but, i tried to make an effort at the start of this update to cap my 'I's...but then, i just got too lazy...blame it on my lazy bones...anyway, it's a blog! as long as i make the effort to type in proper and grammatical english, it doesn't not matter how my entry is. at least i don't type in singlish....

I'm broke! *starts wailing at the top on my lungs partly to annoy and disturb my neighbours. hehe...* Well, i'm not really broke. i just think that i've spent more money than i should have on a Monday. haiz...why didn't i think of this when i was spending the money? What did i spent all that cash on? Oh yeah...food. i ate a lot of rubbish food today. though the Thai Pineapple Rice at Far East was yum yum! and so was the chocolate muffin from Mrs. Fields! huh...i don't sound repentent, do i? in fact i sound as if i would gladly go out again and spend all my money on food.

We were all out....Me, Zu, Arina, Nadia and Hazri (hey....correct spelling of his name! i'm too freakin' lazy to edit my entry to correct the spelling of his name...) I wanted to watch Hotel Rwanda again...but, cineleisure did not have it. darn! i still want to watch it though...it's not enough to watch it once! it's too good! anyone interested to go with me? so, we ended up watching Shall we dance?. A rubbish film if there ever was one. it was between that and Electra and electra seemed worse...haiz...money wasted...

As you can tell, i am no longer down or depressed. in fact, i seem chirpy. hehehe...

Casual Announcement: If anybody is interested in VJ's college pin, college file, college pe shirt, and college pe shorts is welcome to contact Tom Riddle. Don't ask me how to contact her. Just contact her.

Please don't let them kill me. I promise I won't be a Tutsi anymore - Hotel Rwanda

2005-01-20T16:59:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

i just felt so immensely lonely just now in school. i was in the library, pretending to do my math, while all around me are people that i sort of know and are friends with. Yet, there was still this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. i'm an only child, i know all about being alone at all hours and having to deal with loneliness, but it's a whole different ball game when you ache for decent company and there's no one there to offer that. and it's not all about having someone to talk to or gossip with. it's just about having someone there. you don't have to talk or communicate. the person's presence is just enough. and i have yet to find that at nanyang. it will take time i guess.

i have this thing about not wanting to be alone in school. since i'm already alone when i get home, i try to always be surrounded by people in school. and i just get severely depress when i'm on my own. surprising for someone who spends a lot of time holed up in her room. i just need to hear a familiar voice. or see a friendly face. that's all. haiz...

no more of this or i'll start crying like i did in the library. let's just keep my head up, aight? so, i'm sorry, Nadia and Zu if i've been moody today and yesterday. and Faz, though you didn't know it, thanks for calling me right when i needed it the most.

lONELINESS kNOWS mE bY nAME

2005-01-19T18:49:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

feeling crappy right now. real crappy. so crappy that i feel like crying. and i haven't cried in weeks. great. what a great day. i miss my friends. i miss faz. i know that i don't normally say that or even want to admit it sometimes, but i miss her. i miss having somebody who knows me inside out. i miss izzah. i miss her craziness. i miss 4/3. i want that bunch of misfits back as my classmates. i miss just being crazy and having yazid there to yak about lotr with. i miss dissing annas everyday. huh, that always served to cheer me up. i miss syaf's simple weirdness.

again, i feel like shit. wonder if i'll miss them tomorrow?

tHERE aRE sOME hURTS tHAT tIME cANNOT mEND - uNKNOWN sOURCE

2005-01-17T15:45:00.000+08:00

hey, it's me.

mwaaa........it took me like 15 minutes just to convince myself to get off the sofa and get my ass in front of the comp. how much more lazy can i be? haiz....normally i wouldn't even bother with the effort to persuade me, but then, they're showing the repeat of the Tiger Cup Final at 5 and then there's Blue Streak after that. So my evening's gonna be used up by tv-watching. what an interesting life i lead...

it's been like this for the past two weeks. if i even want to get any fanfic reading done, i cannot lie down on the sofa. cos once i lie down, i cann't get up. like i'm glued to the seat or something. then, i'll just spend the next few minutes thinking 'i should get up...i should get up...' before i fall asleep. terrible...but i'm always sooo tired after school. even today, though i can't see any reason for me to be tired cos school was only for 2 hours. and even then, one hour was spent 'interacting' with the class and i didn't even pay attention for the only lesson i had : econs.... so bloody boring.

so, after econs, we (nadia, me, arina, zoe, zuhara and hasri) decided to go eat breakfast at Macs. waste of my bloody money, if you ask me. i spent a whole day's allowance just for breakfast when i actually brought my own bread. haiz...do you think i could bring teh bread tomorrow and eat it then? hmm...must ask mama...actually, it was just nadia, zu, arina and me who wanted to go eat. hasri had this shocked 'gasp! how could you even think of leaving school before the right time?" look on his face...hahaha...but we managed to convince him, though he did look and sound paranoid as we left the school. hahaha...

anyway, we then spent like 5 whole hours at Macs, eating and talking. not really eating lah...cos we finished the food in like 1/2 hour and just spend the rest of the time talking. us andersonians were regaling arina, zoe and hasri with stories of all the weird, weird antics that people at anderson get up to. so now, they know lots of stories and gossip about people that they have actually never met before. hehehe....by the way, halfway through this whole session, we bought ice-cream...yum! though the ice-cream was kinda frozen...really like ice....just thought that you would like to know that.

arina had to leave early though...but we only really left at around 2 something...and all of us were like hobbling cos we didn't get up or stretch in that 5 hours and so we were all sooo stiff. funny lah....we started walking like old folks...haiz...kids these days...

so here i am, at home, keeping time till it's 5 pm so that i can watch the repeat and see everything clearly and try to spot Baihakki Khaizan (correct spelling? no?). i think he's cute....:) hehehe...though how anyone can stand being 1.9 m tall is beyond me. i was at the National Stadium yesterday, watching it live and soaking in the atmosphere. absolutely fantastic atmosphere. it was a great show of unity and all that crap lah...i saw Tauhid, this other guy from anderson also and Mr. Eggy. he was wearing green. h...why in the world do you wear green to such a match? makes no sense. it was sooo much fun! i reached home at 11+ and only slept at midnight....but even then, i was soo chirpy in the morning. i didn't even mind standing up on the bus on the way to school. can you believe it?! nadz was cheerful and chirpy in the morning even when she had had only 6 hours of sleep. amazing!

see lah! i have gone off topic! i was about to say that i'm at home, with an aching head and jaw from way too much laughing. and that i have updated my bloggie cos nadia has pestered me to do so.

wE'D bE nICE tO tHEM iF tHEY bE nICE tO uS - gOLLUM (tTT)

2004-12-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

hey it's me...

i'm excited! i'm excited! weee!!! i'm not going to sleep tonight! why, you ask? cos, Return of The King Extended Edition VCD is now out!!!! i'm gonna get it tomorrow! wee! who cares what school i get posted to for the first three months?! i dont! i just care about hoobits!!!!! hobbits galore!!!!